#benjamin

Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy." Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said, "Masturbation is the best policy." Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise. ↗

— Mark Twain

#caesar #cetewayo #homer #iliad #masturbation

She ought to call him Benjamin, but it was too intimate, too soft. "My lord?" she ventured, only half serious. "Good, God, no." She bit back a smile. "Husband?" she took a sip of wine. He grunted. "Are we to become Quakers? ↗

— Kristen Callihan

#benjamin #firelight #funny #miranda #names

Treason is a charge invented by winners as an excuse for hanging the losers. ↗

— Sherman Edwards

#music

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people. ↗

— David Cross

#barry #benjamin #doing #funny #funny people

Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money. ↗

— Earl Wilson

#benjamin franklin #discovered #electricity #franklin #invented

How I longed to see these things; how I longed to see the Liberty Bell and walk on the streets where Thomas Jefferson, Tom Paine and Benjamin Franklin had walked. ↗

— Burl Ives

#benjamin #benjamin franklin #franklin #had #how

If you read our Founding Fathers, people like Benjamin Franklin and Jefferson - what we're doing now in this country is making them roll over in their graves. ↗

— Rick Santelli

#benjamin franklin #country #doing #fathers #founding

I did kung fu up until two weeks before Benjamin was born, and yoga three days a week. I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds. ↗

— Gisele Bundchen

#ate #before #benjamin #born #days

For me, the dying part wasn’t so horrible. I was only in pain for a few moments before death arrived. For me, the difficult part was having so many things that I had yet to experience, leaving behind people that I cared about. I wasn’t through living. ↗

— Suzannah Daniels

#daniels #death #ghostly-encounter #inspirational #suzannah

Well, I have since seen you at Tinkle. It's a comedy show started by David Cross, me and Jon Benjamin. It features a wide variety of acts for all tastes and seasons. ↗

— Todd Barry

#benjamin #comedy #cross #david #features