#awe

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #choice #funny #humor #money

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #itch #itching

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise, because it’s not like you bought your own gift. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #blindfold #funny #humor #karate

I was just kidding, shuck-face," Minho said. "Let's all go over there. She could have an army of psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers." "Psycho girl ninjas?" Newt repeated, his voice showing he was surprised, if not annoyed, by Minho's additude. ↗

— James Dashner

#epic #humor #ninjas #humor

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #coffee #funny #humor #random

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #compete #competition #competitive #delusional