#asshole

Bitten? You mean you're a-" "A werewolf," said the girl. "Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole's sister. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#clary-fray #humor #jace-wayland #maia #simon-lewis

Sometimes being a nice person is all about knowing when to be an asshole. ↗

— John Cheese

#asshole #cracked #friendship #friendship

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #offend #change

I cut off his fingers to get him to talk, and when he'd confessed everything I wanted to hear, I had his fucking tongue cut out, and the stump cauterized." Everyone in the room stared at him. "I called him an asshole, too," said Locke. "He didn't like that. ↗

— Scott Lynch

#bondsmagi #cauterizing #tongues #torture #torture

He was too busy checking out and checking in, making and breaking plans, buying and losing cell phones, playing computer games and pool, looking at stock quotes, and living the chaotic life that effectively took up all his energy and time. ↗

— Dalma Heyn

#men #business

The poor girl ws keeping that student's letter as a precious treasure, and had run to fetch it, her only treasure, because she did not want me to go away without knowing that she, too, was honestly and genuinely loved; that she, too, was addressed respectfully. No doubt that letter was destined to lie in her box and lead to nothing. But none the less, I am certain that she would keep it all her life as a precious treasure, as her pride and justification, and now at such a minute she had thought of that letter and brought it with naive pride to raise herself in my eyes that I might see, that I, too, might think well of her. ↗

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

#belittle #ego #fyodor-dostoyevsky #judgemental #notes-from-underground

So are there any asshole guys here I can start dating?' she says. 'That's, like, my pattern. ↗

— Gillian Flynn

#dating #dating

My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cats #food #lick #meat #food

When approaching a prospective human, first ask them what their name is. * If it replies "Brains," blow its fucking head off. * If it replies "Brian," ask it again, as you may have encountered a zombie with a speech impediment, or a zombie that was mildly retarded in life. * Keep in mind that it is entirely possible that you did encounter a human named "Brian. ↗

— Etienne Guerin DeForest

#funny-quotes #humor #zombie #zombie-apocalypse #zombies