#asshole

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #offend #change

So are there any asshole guys here I can start dating?' she says. 'That's, like, my pattern. ↗

— Gillian Flynn

#dating #dating

My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cats #food #lick #meat #food

Pain was as much a part of this life as the summer and the winter and the rain, and there was no greater asshole than the one who believed you can cure it. ↗

— Brian McGreevy

#believe #cure #life #pain #rain

I can play the trumpet, but only if I have a sufficient quantity of anal lube.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#anal-lube #asshole #music #trumpet #music

Pretty people do ugly things. It was one of those laws of nature that Gaia had understood for years. If she ever started to forget that ride for a second, there always seemed to be some good-looking asshole ready to remind her. ↗

— Francine Pascal

#good-looking #pretty-people #nature

I cut off his fingers to get him to talk, and when he'd confessed everything I wanted to hear, I had his fucking tongue cut out, and the stump cauterized." Everyone in the room stared at him. "I called him an asshole, too," said Locke. "He didn't like that. ↗

— Scott Lynch

#bondsmagi #cauterizing #tongues #torture #torture

I like people thinking I'm an asshole. Being an asshole is my life's vocation; I'm a goddamned asshole professional. ↗

— James Alan Gardner

#life

When approaching a prospective human, first ask them what their name is. * If it replies "Brains," blow its fucking head off. * If it replies "Brian," ask it again, as you may have encountered a zombie with a speech impediment, or a zombie that was mildly retarded in life. * Keep in mind that it is entirely possible that you did encounter a human named "Brian. ↗

— Etienne Guerin DeForest

#funny-quotes #humor #zombie #zombie-apocalypse #zombies

↑ top up position down The fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one. ↗

— Jonathan Tropper

#humor #jonathan-tropper #humor