#ape

Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today? Peanut: Yes we had a great day! Jose: No we did not. Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No we did not have a good day. Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day! What? Jeff: Did you have a good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: A good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa. Peanut: I took him to the spa! Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer. Peanut: It's the same thing!!! ↗

— Jeff Dunham

#humor #jeff-dunham #jose-jalapeno-on-a-stick #peanut #humor

All women love semi-rape. They love to be taken.It was his sweet brutality against my bruised body that made his act of love so piercingly wonderful. ↗

— Ian Fleming

#rape #sex #wtf #love

I feel like I might start crying and that I'm going to cry pee. ↗

— John Green

#humor #leaving #paper-towns #pee #young-adult

Oh, well, faint heart never won so much as a scrap of paper ↗

— Dorothy L. Sayers

#humor #love #paper #humor

. . . there is a wish in the heart of mankind to be distracted and confused. Truth is but one attraction, and not always the most powerful. ↗

— Joyce Carol Oates

#rape-a-love-story #truth #willful-ignorance #love

Murphy's law inverted: What can go right, will go right. (Works if you're an optimist.) ↗

— Saloma Miller Furlong

#coming-of-age #escape-from-the-amish #inspirational #memoir #age

The best thing about being a cartoonist is to walk into a bar or someone's apartment and they don't know you, but they've taped one of your pieces up. ↗

— Ted Rall

#apartment #bar #being #best #cartoonist

melancholy grandeur ↗

— John Constaable

#art

It's a joke in the zoo business, a weary joke, that the paperwork involved in trading a shrew weighs more than an elephant, that the paperwork involved in trading an elephant weighs more than a whale, and that you must never try to trade a whale, never. ↗

— Yann Martel

#paperwork #business

After all this time? Always ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#love #snape #death