#ak

I'd feel a whole lot better about the two of us if you didn't think I was the go-to guy for breaking and entering. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #shane #funny

I am proud of my kids, but I also want to make my mom proud of me. I'm still a momma's girl at the heart of the situation. ↗

— Tori Spelling

#am #girl #heart #i #i am

All of a sudden Yutaka realized he had created a cloud of dust all around him. Oh no! No! This sucks. This blows more than your mama! Hey, now's not the time to come up with stupid jokes! ↗

— Koushun Takami

#funny #mama #yutaka #funny

I pointed to a low bowl filled with what purported to be stew, but then Noah said, “Are you going to point, or are you going to eat?” “I just like to know what I’m putting in my mouth before I swallow.” Noah arched an eyebrow, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#mistaken #funny

Are you Darah, Renee or Taylor? You look like a Taylor to me," he said, looking me up and down. I wasn't at my best, considering I was dressed for moving heavy objects in a blue UMaine t-shirt and black soccer shorts, and I had my light brown hair in a haphazard bun against the back of my neck. His eyes raked up and down twice, and for some reason the way he assessed me made me blush and want to kick him in the balls at the same time. "There must be a mistake," I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "That's a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy? ↗

— Chelsea M. Cameron

#funny #hunter-zaccadelli #missy #my-favorite-mistake #taylor-and-hunter

I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sleep #wake-up #funny

When he talked his eyes went away from mine and then he forced himself to look straight at me and he began to explain and I knew that he felt very strange with me and that he hated me, and it was funny sitting there and talking like that, knowing he hated me. ↗

— Jean Rhys

#funny

Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen. ↗

— Adam Rex

#funny #sneaky #funny

Where is the pizza I ordered 33 minutes ago? I specifically called for pizza to be delivered. The pizza’s missing, and so is the delivery guy. I hope nobody finds his body in the woods, naked, with extra pepperoni covering his nipples. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#naked #pizza #funny

The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#name #quill #william-shakespeare #funny