#absurd

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #money #odd

If I could fly, life would be amazing. But paraplegic people say the same thing about walking, and I freaking hate walking. Somebody might ask me, “Hey, do you want to go for a walk?” and I’ll reply, “Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to fly everywhere. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#birds #flight #flying #walking #life

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age

Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard ↗

— Josh Stern

#flyinf #ground #hard #humor #simple

My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it.
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— Jarod Kintz

#breath #future #humor #life #lungs

Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.
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— Jarod Kintz

#albino #love #lube #slip #slippery

Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy. ↗

— Spike Milligan

#money

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. ↗

— Groucho Marx

#state

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty. ↗

— Woody Allen

#liberty

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. ↗

— Steven Wright

#culture