#absurd

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday ↗

— Woody Allen

#dating

Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are ↗

— Josh Stern

#date #figs #humor #moronic #rape

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it. ↗

— Albert Einstein

#idea

I had a quicksand box as a kid. I was an only child... eventually. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #humor

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#family-size #funny #humor #risiculous #shower

The Italians say “Chow.” To them it means “Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #odd #strange

When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#accessible #blush #blushing #celebrity #delusional

The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there and drank Gatorade. Ah, but that’s life, no?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#design #finish #gatorade #life #sat

We call love what binds us to certain creatures only by reference to a collective way of seeing for which books and legends are responsible. ↗

— Albert Camus

#existentialism #probably-bullshit #love

Ireland is probably named the “Emerald Isle” because there are lots of precious stones found there, such as sapphires and rubies.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#ireland #change