W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#actress #devil #great #husband #i

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#drinking #easy #i #now #off

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#lunch #out #some #took #weasel

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#drink #drove #had #her #i

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#exactly #like #nothing #sex #some

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? ↗

— W. C. Fields

#death #drown #sting #thy #where

I must have a drink of breakfast. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#drink #i #must

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#africa #corkscrew #days #food #forgot

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#dangerous #dangerous place #get #getting #lucky

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#favorable #head #pocket