Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#funny #funny

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#humor #writer #funny

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#dreams

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already. ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#diet

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.' ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#back #bad #bad back #doctor #got

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#car #getting #give #give me #go

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#complimented #driving #fine #know #left

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#arrested #battery #charged #drinking #eating

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#four #i #shopping #today #went

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' ↗

— Tommy Cooper

#firm #house #i #local #outside