Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. ↗

— Tim Vine

#humor #humor

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. ↗

— Tim Vine

#down #glue #history #i #put

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. ↗

— Tim Vine

#been #holiday #i #just #never

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' ↗

— Tim Vine

#gym #how #i #instructor #make

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. ↗

— Tim Vine

#day #floated #i #loads #meat

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. ↗

— Tim Vine

#contain #doing #hardly #i #i can

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. ↗

— Tim Vine

#cabinet #chairs #dentist #down #filing

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. ↗

— Tim Vine

#candles #couple #know #now #out

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' ↗

— Tim Vine

#home #i #phone #picked #please

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' ↗

— Tim Vine

#calling #depends #i #local #rang