Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ↗

— Steven Wright

#irony #nobel-peace-prize #humor

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself. ↗

— Steven Wright

#love #humor

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #reading #humor

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. ↗

— Steven Wright

#tarot #humor

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. ↗

— Steven Wright

#sci-fi #sf #humor

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor