Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! ↗

— Steven Wright

#apartment #furious #i #installed #live

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. ↗

— Steven Wright

#game #i #i think #makes #monopoly

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. ↗

— Steven Wright

#fine #fine line #fishing #idiot #just

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. ↗

— Steven Wright

#country #cross #cross country #great #live

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. ↗

— Steven Wright

#batteries #bought #i #included #some

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. ↗

— Steven Wright

#breakfast #during #french #i #ordered

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. ↗

— Steven Wright

#bad #bad luck #busted #five #get

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. ↗

— Steven Wright

#fight #got #i #out #put

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ↗

— Steven Wright

#far #forever #good #i #intend

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' ↗

— Steven Wright

#baby #beach #day #doing #go