Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? ↗

— Steven Wright

#asked #guy #i #kid #schedules

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. ↗

— Steven Wright

#department store #people #power #store #trapped

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. ↗

— Steven Wright

#matter #room #room temperature #temperature

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? ↗

— Steven Wright

#had #like #million #monkey #write

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." ↗

— Steven Wright

#bank #borrow #buy #cup #going

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. ↗

— Steven Wright

#glasses #i #out #prescription #ran

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. ↗

— Steven Wright

#banking #hour #i #much #said

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#bought #i #instant #know #one time

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. ↗

— Steven Wright

#fast #go #i #indy #indy 500

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. ↗

— Steven Wright

#i #me #other #uh