Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#paint #small #want #world

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #food

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #change

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? ↗

— Steven Wright

#put #where #would #you

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. ↗

— Steven Wright

#chain #dollar #everybody #fax #got