Steven Wright

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over... ↗

— Steven Wright

#plane #humor

Is 'tired old cliché' one? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6. ↗

— Steven Wright

#map #united-states #humor

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #age

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. ↗

— Steven Wright

#curiosity #i #killed #suspect #while

Hermits have no peer pressure. ↗

— Steven Wright

#peer #peer pressure #pressure

• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious! ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny