Stephen Colbert

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor #humor

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#children #fathers #funny #humor #funny

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#metaphor

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#dating

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#life #humor

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner! ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor #inappropriate-remarks #offensive-remarks #humor

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once! ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor #beauty