Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#could #crazy #dancer #drive #i

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#depressing #get #good #how #i

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#severed #stocking #ultimate

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. — Mitch Hedberg ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#humor #dreams

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool apotamus? ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#humor

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero? ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#humor

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#backpack #being #bring #day #down

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#blowing #bubble #carefree #felt #flavor

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#break #convenience #escalator #just #never

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#down #happening #hero #hold #holds