Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#cord #cut #dog #dumb #everywhere

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#flabby #fortunately #i #stomach #them

Never floss with a stranger. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#floss #never #stranger

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#found #fugitive #ideal #never #which

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#birth #daughter #easy #go #had

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#had #i #i wish #know #like

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#bad #care #enjoy #enjoy life #good

I am furious about everything. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#am #everything #furious #i #i am

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#else #like #lot #mix #natures

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#husband #killer #love #make #pain