Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#hotel #number #room #room service #service

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#fast #fastidious #hideous #she #those

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#afford #doctor #i #offered #operation

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#divorces #jewish #much #why #worth

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! ↗

— Henny Youngman

#first time #horse #i #kneeling #position

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#ask #candlelight #dancing #dinner #go

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#clock #die #ever #four #got

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#doctor #going #i #leg #me

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#chickens #get #get well #got #had

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#human #human being #nice #personality #you