Emo Philips

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ↗

— Emo Philips

#religion #forgiveness

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. ↗

— Emo Philips

#being #day #every #every day #get

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. ↗

— Emo Philips

#hand #here #how #many #people

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. ↗

— Emo Philips

#door #friend #i #imaginary #kid

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. ↗

— Emo Philips

#costume #dress #get #little #live

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. ↗

— Emo Philips

#blanks #children #down #go #i

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. ↗

— Emo Philips

#beat #checkers #computer #i #kickboxing

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. ↗

— Emo Philips

#away #charge #contained #dollars #first

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. ↗

— Emo Philips

#alone #i #night #other #sleeping

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ↗

— Emo Philips

#asked #bicycle #every #every night #forgive