Demetri Martin

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#across #around #come #down #i

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#christmas #early #happy #i #jesus

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#else #guy #i #i am #me

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! ↗

— Demetri Martin

#fat #spoon #tell #then #you

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#allows #because #camera #digital #great

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#honest #i #laugh #more #myself

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#because #believe #breakfast #butter #eat