Demetri Martin

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#building #choose #down #elevator #escalator

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#friend #only #you

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#except #funeral #i #same #saying

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#confusing #die #fun #i #other

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#ever #getting #hanged #i #just

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#buy #everything #good #i #i am

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#allows #because #camera #digital #great

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#done #excited #haven #i #something

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#bad #bad breath #balloon #breath #holder

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#asked #clothing #i #into #lady