David Sedaris

On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind. ↗

— David Sedaris

#holidays #santa-claus #business

Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #humor

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #anger

I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself. ↗

— David Sedaris

#language #words #gender

And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware. ↗

— David Sedaris

#progress

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #humor

This grown man who now phones his father to say, "Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows. ↗

— David Sedaris

#naked #religion #religion

People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American. ↗

— David Sedaris

#paris

but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment. ↗

— David Sedaris

#inspiration #lazy #motivation #work-ethic #business