David Sedaris

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it. ↗

— David Sedaris

#perception #retardation #humor

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. ↗

— David Sedaris

#change

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail. ↗

— David Sedaris

#alcohol #drinking #emotion #humor #humor

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy. ↗

— David Sedaris

#eating

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve. ↗

— David Sedaris

#journals #justice #justice

Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shit. Windy as shit. I myself was confounded as shit... ↗

— David Sedaris

#shit #swearing #tofu #desire

All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints. ↗

— David Sedaris

#individuality #fact

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally. ↗

— David Sedaris

#hate #sensitive #funny