Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. ↗

— Dave Barry

#cakes #chewing #coffee #cup #eating

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. ↗

— Dave Barry

#anybody #clothing #golf #hideous #open

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. ↗

— Dave Barry

#cute #furry #god #had #made

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. ↗

— Dave Barry

#although #any #boring #except #find

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. ↗

— Dave Barry

#am #faces #fact #feel #happy

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. ↗

— Dave Barry

#baby #drool #enormous #find #gland

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. ↗

— Dave Barry

#death #followed #forward #i #immaturity

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. ↗

— Dave Barry

#although #around #cannot #course #everywhere

normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't get peanut butter on sheets. ↗

— Dave Barry

#cleaning #humor #slobs #humor

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing. ↗

— Dave Barry

#writing #funny