Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#drinking #drinks #humor #humor

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#fun

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#family

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #hot-mess #humor #funny

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#dating

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#humor #humor

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#humor

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#humor #funny

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#humor

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#so-true #funny