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I used to have a dream, I used to know what I wanted from life, it was everything I could ask.
Of course i never could reach it and I know I never will. So here I am, almost six years after realizing that, still weeping about it.
I thought that after fully understanding how impossible it is I would've given up, but I can't. I don't have anything else to strive for, every day is meaningless and I see nothing worth living for in my future.
I hate my job, I can't even run away from suicidal thoughts anymore. I was told I'd stop caring eventually, I'd accept my situation and the pain will be numb.
Why isn't it happening?
I am too weak to face a life where I'm not what I wanted to be, and I know this is just me being childish and unreasonable.
I believed in that dream, I based the whole vision of my life on that, now I'm empty.
I just wished I could simply die from an unavoidable cause, or give up completely on that stupid impossible dream and accept a meaningless life. But I can't.
I don't have the strength to give up or kill myself and I hate my weak self, I hate myself more than anything else in this world. But I can't change, I couldn't in these years and it's already too late to accomplish anything.
Why can't I be normal and be fine with a random job? Why do I have to ask myself the reason I'm living for constantly and never find a convincing answer?
I wished I didn't waste my life following a chimera, now I'm left with nothing to rebuild myself on. No titles, no papers for my studies and I can't do nothing well enough to make a living out of it. I'm not even suited for my current job and I fear I'm gonna lose it soon.
The more i go ahead in life the scarier it gets, I don't want to live another five years like this, let alone sixty or more. Yet there is no other way and I know it, so why is it that I keep suffering like this?
I guess I just had to be born an idiot, I'm not meant to live. I am not strong enough to make it in society and this is the natural selection telling me I'm broken, thus I am to be discarded.
This whole vent never got anywhere, and I guess it might irritate some people, so I'll stop it here. I wonder when was it that I took a stray path, maybe it was when I started to dream in the first place.
Or more probably I was wrong from the start. The early adulthood should be the prime of one's life, I've been wanting to die since I was twelve and my prime time is almost over. I guess I was supposed to start enjoying life somewhere along the line but I only did for a bit less than a year. Other that that it was just a free fall into darkness.
I'd like to say I'm at my limit but I know myself better than that. My limit is still far away and so is the ending of my suffering.
My wife is a wh*re. She cheated on me for several years. We’re in our 40s so maybe almost 2 decades. It’s hard to say. I gave up. She assumed I condoned or let her sleep around with 2 lovers of hers when I couldn’t satisfy her. I actually blamed myself because we became swingers because I wanted to sleep with a blonde woman that swung. I also stupidly thought it would make our sex lives better. It did for her.
My wife is more attractive than me. This is usually the case with most couples. I will only admit that here as I’m a fraud of a person. When people see the real me, I become more Republican than I actually am. We hide and hide often. That is slang for being full of crap. I am one being why I likely hide and pretend I’m all that when people that pay attention would know outside of having a great butt, I’m nothing.
We became swingers and were quite successful I believe that because my wife was and is gorgeous. She’s not as gorgeous as she was in her 20s and 30s but she has Lyme disease and stuff popped up. She also hides behind the bottle a log and is now a drunk, so she’s lost a few steps.
I still love her anyway but I wonder if she doesn’t cheat now because she thinks nobody would have her. Maybe that’s a good thing but I can tell she’s profoundly unhappy. After we had a few couples all those years ago, she started cheating. It was with a guy she had sex with when I had sex with his wife at the swingers club.
They hit it off more than I did with his wife. He was a built stud with long hair and I’ll admit if I was a woman I’d have killed to have his body and attitude. Face not so much but he knew how ti pleasure a woman and had a body most would kill for despite being much older than us.
I thought he and I were friends but that I believe was a facade and obvious lie so he could easily have access to f**k my wife. I didn’t know about it for years because it happened while I was working. Of course. Little hoe she said was.
I eventually suspected something was up because there was a sock that didn’t match anything I’ve ever worn near the side of our bed. I went to a shop that specialized in spying equipment and set up a dinky camera near our dresser. I put more all around the house because the investment made sense. In many ways I wish I hadn’t. They had sex in every room and in every which way.
He satisfied her better than I ever did and he did things I never did because I sucked at them. I guess for some of us it’s embarrassing to have our wives teach us because there are men out there that already knew. He sure as hell did much like another friend of hers I caught her with when he briefly visited us in the guise of a weekend trip before seeing his family. It was for her. Only her. Of course it was.
She stopped seeing my ex friend as I now saw him as despite lying to my wife that I still considered him a friend. All those hours of video and audio of them together I wanted to kill him. I almost did. I eventually told her enough of him or I’m done, only to take it back.
Many would likely read this and say why didn’t you dump her. Later, did once and she had other lovers during our time apart. I had one woman but I missed my wife. This was pure hell. At the time our 3 kids were very young and although they unfortunately knew all about the men she slept with even when they were sometimes around, we got back together and she moved back.
Within a week her usual lover was in our bed making love to her. It stopped, then started again so I told her let’s swing again to open up the marriage. She thought this was odd but she was excited. I wonder why. She also cammed as we didn’t have tons of money. This was my bright idea and seemingly showing off my then hot wife. What was I thinking?
Child services found out about it and we got in trouble. My wife did more because she was nude all over the web and my kids saw her. I guess one of them told. She became suicidal over this but like clockwork retreated to her lover again. Eventually, they stopped but she then listed after he real best friend who was better looking than her lover of several years. I left to attempt to clear my head.
This time I slept with several women I kept hidden from my wife because I already know what she was and likely still is. One was one of her best friends and I threw it in her face that the sex with us was incredible. Amazingly, it was and it was often: The problem was she was also sleeping with my wife and my wife fell in love with her.
This woman used both of us because she’s a narcissistic opportunist and another hoe. She stayed with us for about a year sleeping with both of us before finding a would be sugar daddy of some sort. I’ve realized I can’t have anyone that didn’t already have my wife or she’d come after them later. It’s likely still going on despite my wife finally looking average and being beat up from life. Good.
Her sex life is like mine, alive when we’re very horny or high. Sometimes when drunk which is often, she’ll tell me about all her conquests and one of them she always lies about when sober. I know otherwise. I have that on tape too. I slept in the next room while she slept with her best friend. She was in love with him and I found out she wanted to leave me for him but she panicked and went back to her older lover.
I’m a masochist but I love my overly slutty wife. I just do. Why I stay doesn’t say much about me but I love her. The thought of her alone in the world (let’s be honest she’ll never be alone) without me makes me sick. Maybe that’s because I just need her more than she needs me. She says she’s happy but why constantly drink? We try to woods things go as she doesn’t cheat now but only because she works so much and has several disorders. It’s hell but it’s life. I deserve this. It’s my private hell.
#cheating #wife #promiscuity #love #disgust #swinging #lovers #drunk #whore #weak
I confess to being an entitled asshole, who since I was able to walk, expected everything for nothing. I thought I could coast through life and have all the things I wanted to be and to have would just fall into my laps. They didn’t. So now I’m at a shitty job that I hate because it’s the job I strives for, which is to say nothing at all. I haven’t put effort into anything and now I’m addicted to my mediocrity. I have no compassion, no drive, no ambition; I don’t know what hard work looks or feels like. Everyone else is trying to better themselves, and here I am dreading to go to work everyday, hoping that this day I’ll get fired and not have to work here, instead of quitting and doing something with my life. All because I have convinced myself that I was a genius, just waiting to be discovered and make the world a better place. Yeah right.
People always tell “don’t smoke you’ll get addicted!!” And I’ve been smoking since I was 9. I’ve never been addicted, it’s been years since my first blunt of weed/my first puff of a vape. Like it’s just not addicting to me and addiction runs in my family. Y’all really are just the weakest links if you get addicted to weed or vapes. I can literally stop smoking whenever I want I’ve stopped before and I can do it again.
I am not strong enough to tell my boyfriend that I sleep with his father, time to time.
I have been with my partner for 4 years. He was my first and I always thought he would be my last. He moved 1000km's away from his family to live with me and my parents while I was at Uni. I finished Uni and couldn't get a job, money was tight, he gained a lot of weight and never knew how to please me. He wouldn't try new things and sex became a routine 3 minute quickie so he wouldn't complain that week. I finally got a job but it was only a 2 month contract and I had to move 800km's away. I knew when I got out there I wasn't in love with him anymore, but how do you break up with someone that lives with your parents. One night I got very drunk and went home with a football player I had met. He was cute and an amazing kisser. I didn't let anything further happen but we still talk and I don't know if it will happen or not. I don't feel that guilty because my partner makes me feel horrid about myself. It is the first time I have felt beautiful in 2 years. I don't know what to do, I'm just so confused.
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