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Sometimes I get jealous of my two bestfriends because they're both skinny and pretty
I don't know exactly how it started, or why I started.
All I know is that after that first time it led down a dangerous path I just can't seem to come off of.
At first, I would never have considered my case to be a serious problem. I would just do it here and there. I thought I'd have to do it many more times in order for it to become an actual problem.
The first time I remember making myself throw up was at work.
Yup, work.
I know I did it before that, but for some reason thats the first time I can recall. My boss had bought me a mint chip milkshake and I gladly finished it. A few minutes after I did I was filled with anxiety. I knew what I had to do. I went in the bathroom and quietly tried to make myself throw up.
I had to be no older than 14. At this time I had just lost a significant amount of weight( the healthy way), and I had to keep it off. From then on I battled extreme weight fluctuations and anxiety and guilt about eating.
Like I said, I never really considered myself to have a serious problem. I could go months without thinking about throwing up and wouldn't want to bury myself in a hole after eating some ice cream. I
t was the occasional ate way too much at dinner and then making myself not feel full after. After I ate a lot, I had the overwhelming urge to take a shower.
This is where I would make myself throw up. So, no one could hear me and the clean up was easy. It was weird, after I discovered the shower was a much easier place to purge, my skin just itched to take a shower after eating. I realized I was in a vicious cycle when I said to myself "Well, I'm going to make myself throw up tonight, so might as well keep eating."
This continued on and off for all of high school. It wasn't until my freshman year at college that things got really bad. I went into college excited as ever.
Ready to make new fiends, enjoy my freedom, start fresh. At one point I even thought the long distance relationship with Henry would work out… but that quickly changed.
Everything was perfect until right after fall break. I had lost a little weight (healthily) and went back for fall break a health 115 lbs, feeling great. I even thought the visit home to Henry went well. Then things changed.
Everything in my life completely turned around. I had to get my appendix removed suddenly.
Besides the extreme pain it caused, it took a lot of me with it. Missed a week of school, grades went down. Missed homecoming, halloween and weekends out. Goodbye new friends. Couldn't exercise for 2 weeks, goodbye in shape body. And Henry slowly fell off the map and we stopped talking. That surprised me a lot. He went from missing me and always talking to me to thinking that the best way to get over me was to forget about me.
Maybe he was right. Maybe it was for the best.
Long distance relationships in college just don't work. But then I didn't care. I just wanted him in my life.
Because I couldn't work out, I was terrified of gaining weight. I cut my calories significantly to make up for the lack of movement in my life.
This is when my "eating disorder" went from more bulimic to anorexic. It kills me to even type those words. One of the worst things that could've happened was me finding an app on my phone that keeps track of calories.
I would record absolutely everything in this app. I would even keep track of the calories in gum and multi-vitamins. My "goal" calories would be 1,200. But it would be a bad day in my eyes if my number even came close to that. I would be happy if my net calories at the end of the day was 200. (including the calories burned from working out..and I never missed a workout day.)
A typical day of eating for me would be an apple for breakfast, a few celery stick or carrots for lunch and a salad for dinner. This salad would be about the size of my hand. Or a few pieces of steamed broccoli. And I would feel guilty if I ate it all.
At this time in my life I think I was depressed. Im not really sure if I was, I just know I was miserable. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to socialize with anyone.
I avoided talking to people. I counted the days until I was able to go home. The only things I seemed to have think about were what I was going to eat the next day, and when. And Henry, somewhere in the back of my head I thought when I came home we were going to end up back together. I couldn't pass a mirror without lifting up my shirt and staring at my stomach, thinking that I needed to make it smaller. Sometimes when I would stand up I would get extremely dizzy and my vision would go black. Once, I even fell over and bashed my head on a door knob. Then came thanksgiving break. First thing I did when I landed was text Henry. He made up some excuse why he couldn't hang out… weird.
He's the one who told me to "wait". I don't want to go into too much detail about me and Henrys relationship, but to a certain extent he played a role in how my life changed.
When I first saw my family I could sense a weird look in their eyes. I knew I had lost a lot of weight but I didn't see it the way they did. For me, I was still obsessed about what I ate and how I looked. To them, I was grossly skinny. I thought I could loose more weight. The anxiety and guilt I got from eating was overwhelming. I love food and wanted to eat.. but I just couldn't. Friends would comment on me losing weight. I loved it.
I knew some people thought I looked gross. Some people said I looked amazing, but they were probably lying. P
eople constantly said that I needed to eat a sandwich. The worst was my dad shoving protein bars and cookies in my face. I did not respond well to that. I started giving attitude back when people commuted on how skinny I was.
When you're that skinny and someone points it out, it's the same as pointing out how fat someone is. It was mean. But I liked it. I went back to school continuing the same habits. Christmas break wasn't long after. At this point I had convinced myself and others that my weight loss was due to my extremely healthy views on food.
I would spend hours and hours on health blogs and looking up healthy recipes. In some ways, I was being healthy and because of this stage in my life I think I do have new outlook on food and why its important to be healthy. People bought it, I think. One night home, I ran into Henry. I awkwardly said hi at a party and that was our contact for the night. Later that night, he texted me. The conversation did not go in the direction I thought it was going in. He addressed how skinny I was and that people mentioned I have "changed."
He said that my body was better before, and that I had lost my butt. He thought I was being unhealthy and asked if I was ok. I was not happy about this. I was so mad.
Long story short the conversation did not end well. I cried to my friends about it, saying that I'm just a really healthy eater now.
Well, healthy eaters don't look like skeletor. Looking backIi should've known my friends agreed with Henry by the looks on their faces as I vented about it. I even cried to my mom about how much I hated my frail new body, but I didn't want to do anything about it. I got back to school to find out that my mom had contacted my roommate asking about my eating habits. I felt betrayed and embarrassed. At this point, I knew I had a problem.
But I only could admit it deep, deep down inside me. I also weighed myself for the first time in months. 98 lbs… I was shocked.
I was sick and tired about obsessing over everything I put in my mouth. The rest of the year was slightly better. I still only ate extremely healthy and my obsession was more about working out. I stopped running as much as I did and tried to add some strength training into my routine. I wanted to put weight on however, I weighed myself everyday and would make sure the scale didn't get passed 104 lbs. (104 would be a heavy day too)
But I felt better about myself. I never really felt weak because I was early a lot (granted I would just have a plate of vegetables, but it was still a lot) compared to how I was eating before, I was eating up a storm.
This is when I truly convinced myself that i was super healthy. Perfect workout schedule. Plenty of fruits and vegetables and I was really trying hard to get protein into my diet. I wouldn't eat any processed gross food. I even started to rub off on other people. My mom said I "inspired her and the family" and I hung out with a girl everyday and she became a really close friend of mine. She lost weight and was really happy about it. My friends at home would ask me advice about workouts and such and I loved it. I really developed a passion and love for fitness and health.
In the back of my mind I couldn't help but feel like I cheated people though, given my true feelings. School was finally over and I could wait to be back home. I remember slipping back into my old habits of obsessing in front of the mirror and thinking I was gaining a lot of weight. Until my friend snapped me back into reality.
She texted me after seeing me one day and expressed her concern about my weight. For a brief second I was mad and tried to think of an excuse. But I later thanked her, realizing that I wish people were as brave as her to confront me. I knew people were concerned and I wish they said something instead of waiting until I gained some weight back.
I don't blame them though, I don't think I could've if I were in their situation. From that point I knew I had to gain weight.
It was a sudden switch in my head to make myself realized that it is ok to eat.
And not to feel like I committed a crime for occasionally treating myself. However, this switch turned something else on.. something I hated.
For all of june and july I absolutely loved my body. I was so content with life and was the happiest I've been in months.(about 110-115 lbs)
Sometime in midjuly is when it all turned around. This is really really gross what I'm about to share. And really weird. (I slightly opened up to people about my other problems-but never this. its far too embarrassing) I don't know how the fucking gross habit emerged but I first tried it around christmas time.
I had been depriving myself for so long I just wanted to eat. A lot. And so I did.
But… I spit it back out before i could swallow it. I did that a lot over christmas break. Sneaking food into my room and waiting to be alone to eat.
At this time I also didn't want anyone to see me eat. (even if it was a normal meal)
I thought they'd judge me and think I was fat.. even though they were probably wishing my fragile frame would eat.
Anyway, my eating habits were normal and healthy, I would work out and had a very fit figure. I was thin, but a good thin. Not holocaust victim thin. I got obsessed with my chewing and spitting habit.. it got bad. I would spend hours eating and spitting it out.
By the end of my binge I would end up making myself throw up multiple times just to make sure that I didn't get any of the calories. But because the amount of food I ate during these binges, it was nearly impossible not to ingest some of these calories, even if I did throw up afterwards. (Mom... this is why the credit card bill was so high.. and why my room was a mess)
By late august I had lost that figure that I had absolutely loved. I looked in the mirror and tried to think of how I had gained weight. I had been eating healthy, workouted everyday. It was impossible that this were to happen. But oh yeah… I had hour long food binges.. of course it was going to catch up.
For the summer times I didn't really care though, it was nice to eat and not worry about it. But at the same time I'd almost rather have that than my new habit.
It was so annoying. I can't even describe how miserable it made me.
On the outside, everyone thought I had overcome my eating disorder and that I was back to my normal outgoing self. On the inside I was miserable. At least once a day I would cry to myself, tell myself I've hit rock bottom and that tomorrow I would stop.
But I couldn't. I went from weighing myself everyday to being terrified of the scale because I knew the weight had crept up. (I regret this, maybe I would've noticed the pounds inching up)
Here I am back at school and on the outside I seem happy. The school year is going so much better and I no longer count the days until I'm home, I love my friends and me and Henry are even friends now. But… its not over.
I've only been in school for a few weeks and I've made myself throw up many times.
I've been really risky about it considering I share a room and bathroom with other people. I've even made myself throw up in the bathroom and my roommate was in the room (I still wonder if the shower was loud enough)
No one would suspect anything though. Because I think I'm slightly overweight at this point. Infact I fucking hate my body. I'm about 133 lbs and I can't stand it. Granted, some of it is muscle but I would do anything to lose a good 15 lbs.
I'm actually really nervous to go home because all I can think about is how people are going to say how fat I am. I'm obsessed with thinking about my body. I literally don't go a day without thinking about how gross I look.
I'm writing this because I've never gotten all of it out at once. I'm not going to re read it but hopefully it makes sense for the most part. Even though I tried to explain how I felt, it's literally impossible to express what this past year or so has done to me.
I've been through so much and I don't think anyone can really understand it, no matter how hard I try to explain it. In some ways I don't regret anything because I really did learn so much about myself and other people. I also really have developed a passion for fitness and healthy eating.. even if it seems a bit hypocritical at times.
At the same time, I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I wish I could just go back to july and redo the rest of the summer. If I hadn't had those stupid binges maybe I'd still have that perfect body. I'm trying really hard to get it back. But I'll find myself alone and just binge and purge.
My knocked even started to scab recently. I fear that I'll always have this relationship with food. I mean if you think about it, I've been dealing with it for over 5 years.
Making yourself throw up is not healthy.. even if its a few once or twice a month.
I would take the body I have now over the one I had over the winter though. But I still hate my body. I just don't know what to do at this point. I keep telling myself tomorrow… tomorrow it will all be better.
I can't help but think that it never will be better. But I want so much for it to be.
#food #help #skinny #fat #confession
God in heaven this girl that works at Taco Bell is so insanely gorgeous. I wish I could be with her I'd be the happiest guy on the planet. Instead I've been single for over a decade and hate my skinny appearance. I'll probably die alone.
One summer afternoon, my mom visited her friend and brought my brother and I. She had a pool! As the wild boy 9 y/o I was, I begged to swim. Having no trunks, I went in my briefs.
They sat outside by the pool as I played and jump off the diving board. Well, the wet undies had to go, I asked if it was fine to take them off. I whipped them off and was a little nervous to get out and be seen naked, but had to utilize the killer diving board.
About an hour later, I started to press my little penis against the jet, getting a raging stiffy. When it was time to get out, I was fully erect. I walked up to get a towel as my moms friend was snickering at the sight. Luckily my brother was inside.
It's cool that I can skinny dip with my step dad, but only when mom is not around. Nothing more than relaxing, building relations and trust. Nothing sexual. But I do feel nasty doing it. It is new, exciting, and I am curious to the ways of sex and nudity.
#chill #naked #stepdad #skinnydip #turnon #arousal #exciting #fun
I confess I gave my boyfriend food supplements because he was very skinny. He gained over 25 kilograms and looked very good and hot. His appetite increased very much and he gained more weight and now he's slightly overweight.
But he doesn't care, I do. I don't want to be with a fat guy. :(
#boyfriend #food #supplements #skinny #weight #oveweight #confess
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