Rejected Confessions

I'm 12, I like multiple girls. One is called Maddie, second is Lexi, then I really really like Cora. They're all amazing but they all don't like me. I got friend zoned by Cora but she yet flirts. I went on a date a few weeks back with a Girl who likes me but I don't like her. What do I do? I want a girlfriend(or boyfriend) but I wanna actually like them like I feel for the girls.

#love   #lgbt   #lesbian   #lonely  

Every time I tell someone I like them, I start getting anxiety and start crying, even when they haven't said anything. This has caused people whom I liked to reject me, then I break down even more. I believe this all rooted from my first love.

My first love...I'll call him Jay. We were in kindergarten together and here is where I first recognised what the phrase 'crazy in love' was. We were pretty much inseparable, but more like he just didn't have a choice. I was the clingiest 5 year old in the world. I would rarely ever separate from him other than to go to sleep, go to the bathroom, or travel.

Flash forward about 3 years.
I am absolutely CRAZY about him and the way I show my affection is very strange--I hit him and kick him--so much that he goes to school with bruises.
Flash forward again 3 years.
I realise my how unhealthy I truly am. I start having severe anxiety and breakdowns. I decide to confess my infatuation with Jay. I tell him about my feelings and he responds "I know, but I really don't like you. You always hit me." He then walks away. Even 4 years after that, we still aren't separated. I am still in love with Jay, but I manage to keep it under control. At this time I think I am a sophomore in High school. For these past years he had tried to avoid me and eventually he succeeded, but now he tries to have conversations with me and be affectionate. So, now I'M the one who is avoiding him. This almost 10 year crush is speaking to me after 4 years of not speaking at all. I decide to take an exchange program to China and all of my friends are freaking out and telling the whole school.
........Jay is in the program too........
These 'coincidences' mustn't just be in my head.... right?

#ptsd   #rejected   #coincidences