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I tried committing suicide tonight by overdosing and now i feel all weird like im here but im not here and idk if im dead or not
It started when I was 14, I was being bullied, and abused by my boyfriend, and not knowing who to turn to, or how to even explain what people were doing to me, I looked for a release. I found it in self-harming. For months no one knew what I was doing, then my boyfriend caught me. He began to abuse me even further. It progressed from one time a week, to every day, to 2-3 times a day. This went on for nearly 8 months when my boyfriend then committed suicide.
I took it for the worse and tried to OD. I got help but 2 months later I relapsed, then another 4 months after than I did again. This went on until I met my now boyfriend. To this day, two years later I still self-harm when I breakdown. But for now I have been 3 months free.
I have been recreationally consuming butane for the past few weeks. At first it was a head rush and woozy feeling, but over time strong hallucinations now kick in the more I do.
In a recent session, I did quite a bit, reached the dream-like hallucination state which never actually feels very good, calmed down and got back to normal. I usually stop after that point, but no, I decided to do more.
The hallucination state kicks back in, strongly, and it feels like I'm about to die. Shapes and colours meld and twist, my heart races and beats irregulary, there's a roaring sound in my mind and I hallucinate I'm rigged up to a vital monitoring machine which is screaming at me.
I tear myself away from my desk, panting very heavily, adrenaline pumping through my veins, thinking this is it. I start to ball my eyes out, begging not to die as I think of my family and life ahead of me. I slowly but surely calm my breathing and reality goes back to normal.
I've resolved to never touch the drug again, ever. This is my way of getting my thoughts out there.
Thank you.
I'm 16 and used to self harm on my wrist until my friend saw the cuts on my wrist and told a teacher who then told my mum I blamed it on my dog and they all believed it so I switched places to my stomach, top of my legs and top of my arms. I tried to overdose on about two boxes of painkillers and some other tablets I fell asleep and when I woke up I was in loads of pain being sick. I don't know what to do but I don't want to talk to my family. I blame myself for my aunties death
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