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Yesterday I finally decided to move out from my parent's house. I am 31 years old (going to turn 32 next monday) and I was always frightened to leave home to live in my own. I now live about 10 minutes away from home, in a small flat and I consider to buy me a cat or something because I feel very lonley. I miss my parents so much, it's awful. But I can't tell anymore because it would be too embarrassing. :(
I moved into my first own apartment 3 months ago. I have everything I need for a living, a bed, cupboards, a closet, everything. But I haven't unpacked my stuff yet because I am just too lazy. Not even my clothes, they are still in my boxes. My mother is really annoyed but what should I say? I like it this way. ;-)
I love him, but I'm tired of being patient and accepting his moody whims and anxiety driven doubts. Sometimes I want to scream at him "grow the fuck up!" But instead I calm myself and busy myself with cleaning or go do something alone to breathe through my frustration and anger.
He's in his mid-30s and a divorced father, so I expect him to be a bit more mature than he is, but maybe that's my problem. We are the same age and it's frustrating that he hasn't learned how to be more responsible and take more initiative.
He seems incapable of moving forward and making decisions about his future, which is largely because he endlessly feels stuck by his kids and hopeless about the future.
We are adults, it's time to stop crying over the spoiled milk and make the most of the life we have, which is pretty amazing actually. He backed out of marriage and now he wants to back out of living together, but still claims to love me and want to be only with me. Truth is, if I move out to "give him time" to get his shit together, I already have my eye on another guy who can warm my bed for me. I hate being alone. I hate living alone. I have feeling alone. If he can't understand that after everything we've been through, then he doesn't really know anything about me. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone I didn't give birth to, but I'm tired of being the after thought. I'd like to be someone's priority for a change because I always prioritize the person I'm with.
I'm so fucking angry I want to scream. Why do men have to be so fucking selfish!? Even the good ones have a sense of entitlement that because I'm a woman I'll pick up their mess and help them take care of their kids because they're in over their head. Then they take advantage of me, like I'm nothing special for taking care of them and theirs.
I got a lot of love to give and I spoil my man as much as I can, so what gives? Why is it fine for me to take my man out for his birthday and he can't even write my name on a store bought card let alone take me out to dinner!?! I'm gone for a WEEK and I come back and the house is destroyed. He leaves for 4 days and comes back to a clean house. I go out for groceries, I bring back stuff he likes. I make little things to remind him I love him and show him I'm his. I don't yell or complain or whine or bring up crap that's done and over with. I never get jealous or pressure him for more time. I'm a really great girlfriend, actually. I don't spend his money or expect him to buy me things. I don't mess with his stuff or make our life about me. I love his family and remember important dates, I take care of his kids and try to be fun and supportive and loving and happy. When something goes wrong, I shrug it off and keep moving forward. I hold him when he's hurting and celebrate when he's excited about something. What else am I supposed to do? I never deny him sex and we have a great sex life. I cuddle him and give him attention all the time, flirting or being playful, teasing and just being warm and kind. If he needs space, I'm happy to give him space and go do my own thing. But if I want to go out, it's usually he wants to stay home. I'll be the third or fifth wheel with my friends because he just wants to stay home.
I know I deserve to be treated better, but I don't know if I believe such a man exists. My boyfriend is the best guy I've ever met, even all this bullshit included, because I have known a lot of selfish assholes. I've loved addicts and mentally ill men. I've taken care of them as they cry on the toilet, shitting while they're high and depressed. I hold them as they sob ugly tears because they've cheated on me or found themselves in a bad place and they know they're hurting me - but I can't stand to see them so destroyed so I hold them and let them fall apart while I hush them and tell them it's going to be ok, that I still love them. Because I do still love them.
I want to cut out my own heart and light it on fire. I don't want to be swayed by men. I don't want to love my boyfriend so much that I put up with all his bullshit, waiting for him to figure it out because he's been at a disadvantage for so long. I am so weary of this fucking life. I can't be anything but nice. It's not in me to bitch at people or be mean. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want someone to love me and think I'm special with as much excitement and effort as I put into my love and admiration of them. Even steven. Is that really too much to ask?
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