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Read the best #mental confession stories
I can't tell if I'm a masochist because I like the pain in a sexual way or because I think I deserve it for being a horrible person in my own head. There is this guy I like and we have had sex a couple times, he's really awesome and super attractive, which makes me feel like I don't deserve him.
Whenever we get into it he is always asking "Is this okay?" and says things like, "Let me know if this is too much." I tell him I'll let him know.... but I don't think I ever would and I think maybe he knows that, because he hasn't really done anything super intense. He has pulled my hair a couple of times, spanked me... bitten me lightly.... but he could get away with so much more. I would let him beat the shit out of me if he just promised to love me. He wouldn't even have to be faithful and I would probably still want him around. I just don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with someone who is unattractive either.
#depression #love #abuse #masochism #mental #health #lonelyness
My mom is crazy. We came to KSA a few days ago and we're in Madina now. My stupid lil bro locked the bathroom door from the inside. My mom got so angry she almost beat him to death and locked the door. I don't like violence so I asked her to stop. She didn't so I opened the door and called dad. Now that bitch is angry at ME for telling dad. And now I locked myself up in the storage room. My mom physically and mentally abuses me a lot and I hate her for that. What kind of a crazy bitch gets mad because of a bathroom?
Anyone that’s posting on here, I love you and I hope everything works out. There’s always hope xx
I’m 14 years old, and my mood has been getting really bad except I haven’t tried to tell anyone, and I’ve started skipping classes and vaping. I’ve been arguing with my mom now, and I am easily irritable.
I love acting out and getting myself into mental hospitals. It's just so fun, to make a big dramatic hooplah and get everyone's attention. It is the ultimate in real-life trolling. Yep, I'm nuts anyway, I just love exploiting those places for interesting company. Three squares a day, roof over your head, sure it gets boring, but I love the drama. I am such a pathetic attention whore and I do not care.
Also, I'd love to turn into a beautiful sissy transgender female, and become an adult film star so I can finally have all the validation and love a person could ever want. Yeah, I'm big-time BPD omega bio-male, so sue me! I reckon I am transgendered, in some way at least. Kisses
#bpd
This is my story of mental abuse, caused by my parents.
I'm 11, and I was depressed last year. After my mother called me a bitch, which she did two more times over that year, I became depressed... I asked to not wash the dishes, because I had fallen over and hurt my leg (which still hurt like hell!) but she didn't give a shit! She said, "Stop treating me like dirt, you Little Bitch!" and never said sorry. A few months after, and I still felt horrible. I was fat. My mother had told me this over and over. The truth is, I was tall as an average 12yr old and the right weight for that but since I was ten... I was "Fat" and "Chubby"... One day, I begged my mom to not let me go to a Scout Camp, because I didn't really know anyone in my group, but she just said, "Stop acting like a bitch and get ready!", which made me feel more depressed. I barely spoke on the camp, and I was starting to become an introvert. When everyone else was on a sugar-high I had to do something, but didn't know how. I didn't ask and ended up spilling the container of dirty water. They yelled at me for not asking for help, clearly not understanding what it means to be an introvert, and I felt horrible... A few weeks after that, I heard my mother saying, "Lesbians all should burn in hell!" to my father, and my heart fell to the ground. I've had many crushes, on both male and female. I know I'm bisexual already... The next day we were in the car, and I asked my mother what she thought of gays...
She said, "It's their life. They can do what they want."
"What if I'm bisexual?"
"YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! Uh, but if you are bi, we will accept you.."
I used to be an extrovert, but I'm now introverted. I'm a brilliant actress, but only because I've been hiding my depression. I never cut myself, thanks to my best friend, Eggie, but I came close to drinking bleach when my father told me to "Fuck off", but didn't thanks to her. I have another really close friend, Austin, and he's fine with who I am and I feel wanted for once in my life. I am no longer depressed, but when I say "I love you" to them, I don't mean it... I care about them, hell they're my parents, but they have taught me to not stand up for myself and that I am worthless... I wish there was a way out of this hell. I wish I could tell someone! My friends think I never think about ending it, but that's not true! I believe I'm worthless, regardless of how many times I'm told I'm not! I wish I could just be who I want. I wish I could have been born into a family that cares about my well being! I am shy and introverted, but my family thinks I'm a happy, loud, extrovert! I have anxiety, but I can't tell anyone face to face because I'll break down and crying is weak! I am weak, so why do I hide it? I'm never going to be worth anything! I just wish, that when I closed my eyes and dreamed, that it wouldn't end. That I'd one day wake up and everything will be fine... I just hope god let's things become better...
#depression #wish #listen #help #love #never #friends #parents #hate
Mostly I masturbate in a conventional manner. But I took a tip from a female friend who told me if she was really horny she could get off by rhythmically clenching and relaxing her thigh muscles. It was even easier if she was laying on the floor on her stomach with her pubis pushing against the floor.
I've tried this and managed to cum this way. It is fun to do when in a group of people and want to get off unnoticed by your companions. Laying down on the floor suddenly is contraindicated.
Similarly, I was riding a rented horse one day in the park and noticed the rocking motion of the horse was giving me an erection. Leaning a bit forward in the saddle and letting the horse do the work, I eventually got off. A little messy maybe but you must suffer for your art.
Sexperts say most of sex is mental, not genital centric. Nice to know I can get off with the old fashioned yank when I'm too tired to focus, focus, focus.
I'm truly and honestly afraid of disabled persons. No matter if mentally disabled or physically.
Even if I try to talk myself into believing that they it's not their fault, it just creeps me out. I was in an elevator with one once and I almost started crying, I even hyperventilated and almost passed out.
I avoid this topic and everything that has to do with it.
#disabled #person #mentally #physically #creep #elevator #scared
I Just seem to have the worst Social Issues ever no matter who tries to be my friend I end up hating their guts in the end. Maybe it has to do with trust issues that I just refuse to let go of, bad choices I made in my life, bad crowds I hung around with, but the problem is my friends say they really care about me yet I really hate them because they care about me. I know it sounds fucked up but it's just that I became friends with these guys over common interest, we used to text eachother every day and would do skype calls but then one day is when my metamorphosis began.
I grew jealous and angry after my friends started playing some stupid game and asked me to join I flat out refused despite them bugging me to play it with them, then I would ignore them when they would go to call me on skype, then they would ask why I wouldn't join them, I wouldn't answer, they were on facebook talking all the time and I refused to join them no matter how they kept bugging me to join even wanting me to play a game with them so I chose to avoid them.
Time after Time I began avoiding them whenever they wanted me to game with them, hang out, or to just talk, it later escalated with me yelling at them, getting angry at them, this one friend I have is a sweet kind hearted person and I treated him like shit, he wanted to talk with me and hang out but I just flat out treated him like shit, I would force them to remove me from tagged posts on facebook, in face i've even threatened them and called them a loser.
But where things really went downhill was when we made plans the whole weekednd to hangout and as usual I got cold feet and lied about not feeling good when in reality I wanted to but the thing is I was so pissed off at them and it was all because that retard had to go and make some tribute post with me in it, that really made my blood boil, it sickens me when they do these nice things for me, tagging me in stuff, making tribute posts, I swear I wish these fucking losers would all die in a car accident.
Then for some reason I joined but retard's pc crashed in the middle of the shitty game they ply and I was happy but then he's like "Dude you know what, it's obvious you hate us so we're not going to talk to you for a while." Ever since then we barely walk to each other anymore, I am starting to regret all of my actions, the way I treated my friends, getting angry at them for no reason, hating them, and wishing bodily harm on them, i'm such a disgusting person all I want is to make things right but sadly I feel like the damage has already been done.
I did however try to be a better friend and make up for my mistakes but sadly they began acting like assholes to me and made life hard for me. They would intentionally try to leave me out of shit on purpose and always had the "sorry we forgot about you" excuse or "We didn't have time." Bullshit then they always say it was a mistake or blame it on their computers why messages never got sent; seriously how many more fucking excuses are you going to give me. Not to mention his constant habit of breaking promises every single time he makes them; he promises to do something, he promises to hang out and guess what all he does is break promises and then when I asked what happened, he takes his fucking depression out on me for no reason and gets moody with me and then says "Life's not fair, woe is me, leave me alone." I didn't do a goddamn thing to you and you decide to take your problems out on me all because you want to act like a selfish spoiled little baby and have a woe is me attitude with me.
Then you apologize to me and say you wasn't feeling good, well guess what when I got mad at you, you decide you can't take it and then when I tell you about how much of an asshole you acted like, you get all defensive about it and have the nerve to think we should forget about it, how about you fucking take some ownership of your own problems and learn to control them and maybe we can move on but no and guess what they keep happening all the time.
Then when he blocked me after I tried to say hi and he gets all pissed off at me saying I was spamming him I decided I had enough and then after I told him how pissed off I was at him; he threatened to take legal action me claiming I was abusing him; are you out of your goddamn mind; number one you were the one who decided to take your bad day and depression out on me and I was sick of it and then you go and play victim saying I was abusing you.
You know what if that's how you are going to act then you know what you don't deserve any friends at all if you can't take any criticism and want to play victim and act like the world has something against you; you seriously need some goddamn counselling because you are obviously troubled and you take your troubles out on those who try to be good to you; you really need help, badly because you may end up taking it out on the wrong person and they would beat the shit out of you, and you really need your ass beat for how much of an asshole you've been acting, not to mention just a few days before, he gotten his videos he worked on taken down unfairly by youtube and when I showed my support to him, he embraced it, but then days later he would go and take his fucking mood swings out on me.
Worst of all, after we made up and he said he would start acting like a true friend again, he clearly couldn't keep his promise at all, as he would duck my messages on purpose, then say he is still upset over this long message I sent that I would never have said to him if he hadn't pissed me off that day. Oh my god, get the fuck over it already, Jesus Fucking Christ get this retard some help, not to mention I gave him a shoutout and he blatantly ignored me and when I told him about it he said I ruined his day; no dumbass you ruined my day all because I was trying to tell you to correct your mistake and what do you do, you get defensive and instead of correcting that mistake you instead act like an asshole.
Not to mention you promised to do something for my birthday and what did you do; not a goddamn thing, all you care more about is your audience on Youtube which is about 80 subscribers rather than tell your friend Happy Birthday and do something for them and be a good friend to them, but no you fucked that up, and why should I be friends with you anymore if you are going to ruin my birthday and break a promise; dude you really made me mad, so mad I really want to beat the fuck out of you, because there's only so much anyone can take. I remember one time you said you haven't acted like a good friend and acted like a dick and yet you continue to act like one and make me feel bad and make everything seem like my fault and the fact that he's to spineless to accept his own mistakes and correct them really makes me want to break his fucking neck.
then after we made up one last time, you promised to make a better effort and at first you made me believe you was going to change but nope you just can't and won't do it, you continue to duck my messages, show any support, get moody, defensive, caring more about your views on youtube then your friends, called me a sore loser when we gamed and then worst blocked me all because you think I get mad at you all the time, no dipshit I wouldn't get so mad at you all the time if you stopped taking your depression and mood swings out on me, kept your promises since you clearly can't keep one if it saved your life, owning up to your mistakes, and stop playing the victim all the time; you obviously have a problem with me and have had a problem with me and you are too much of a goddamn pussy to admit that you do; so you know what have a miserable life, you obviously don't want me in your's and I sure as hell no longer want you in mine and you know what since you think friends grow apart, then I hope you lose every single friend you have in your life because you have a problem with me and clearly don't want to be around me, and I hope somebody does the same to you like you've done to me, and don't you dare beg for my forgiveness because i've cut all ties with you, and lastly, I really do hope you fail at everything you do in your life because you never keep your promises, you get defensive over your own bullshit, you refuse to let go of shit and expect me to do the same when clearly you refuse to, you play victim all the time, you never compromise, you never show any commitment, you care more about your views on youtube than doing stuff with your friends, you never show your friends any support when they ask you for help, and anytime you say you'll change you never do so for those reasons I hope you fail in life and that karma will hit you and then make you see everything you have done wrong, so fuck you loser.
I really, really, REALLY want to commit arson. I love fire, and the feeling of setting not just papers or my curtains but an entire HOUSE on fire excites me to no end. I've done research, I know how I could do it. I guess I have a problem
I said something rude to a woman about her weight. That was wrong of me. So I’ve tried my best to humble myself & make it right. I can’t always be right. But hopefully I can undo some of my wrongs.
My (m.29 at the time) fiancé (f. 28 at the time) died 2 years ago, we were together for 9 years. It happened out of the blue and we didn't see it coming. Ever since then i've gotten so depressed and lost myself so much from the person i used to be that i'm not sure she would still love me. I've started having panic attacks over the silliest things about my own health (i.e., think i'm having a heart attack, stroke, ect...) with no reason to believe that those things are happening or could. I tried going to therapy not long after she had passed away, but i didn't like the doctor, he just felt really robotic and like he was reading from a script, so i stopped going, and haven't done anything about it since. i'm not sure if it's survivors guilt or something, but i almost don't care to take care of myself for reasons i can't exactly pinpoint. i don't want to talk to my parents or friends or other family about my mental health situation because i know it would just upset them and make them sad for me and i don't want to do that to them. sometimes i just want to pack the most basic of belongings and just disappear out of their lives and maybe they'd just forget about me and i can have a do over with my life. i don't think i ever would, but i think about it a lot.
I am mentally disturbed and I can't think faster than I can type into a calculator.
I’m basically an emotional crutch for my friend, pretty much the only one she has, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to kill myself soon. I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to leave her alone and stranded with nobody to talk to anymore, but I don’t think my mind is going to let me stay here much longer. And the worst part is I’m doing everything right. I’ve been taking my meds, reaching out to people when I need them, ive been taking notice when I’m having irrational thoughts and putting a stop to them, I’ve been excersicing, boy howdy have I. Been excersicing, but I still hear screaming that isn’t there, I still feel like my room is closing in on me, I still feel like my mind is deteriorating...what am I doing wrong?
I've been in deep depression for...well, it's been so long I forget. My family has now began to put it aside and I'm starting to be the neglected forgotten child in the house. My sister's kid has started to take my place. My father and I rarely talk anymore. Just the other day he refused to look at me once. The desire to just kill myself gets stronger every day. The pain of self harm starts to feel calming now. The pray that when I fall sleep, I never wake up. I keep a tab open of fastest ways to kill myself. I hate the fact I have to deal with this reality. I just want it to end....so bad. I've hurt myself to many times and no one has cared anymore. I've written so many suicide notes. I'm broken.
When I was 15 I was diagnosed with Anorexia after taking a really bad mental fall. It's been many years later and I never fully recovered, but I find myself constantly restricting and vomiting, and always feeling disgusted with myself. I have a 19.7 BMI, but it's not good enough. I really want to get underweight to prove to others that I am skinny, I am in control, I want to scare people, I find a numbing feeling that comes with this, and I love it.
Of course, the side effects of the disease is wretched and I think of how lovely recovery would be. I'm not here to get hate, Im just here to confess. I already seek therapy.
I confess I don’t know how to talk to girls.
#lonely #frustrated #mad #bored #sex #judgemental #been #a #while #stupid #ex
So this confession isn't exactly a confession. But I want to write anonymously about how I've been hurt and how I've had nightmares over this for almost 7 years. And the minor PTSD I have learned to live with. Some may relate or you might think this isn't so bad and some have had it worst. But here it goes. I was 15 years old. I was still just a girl and at JHS where there was this boy who had just become a man. Someone who had changed my entire aspect of life and I wouldn't even realize it yet. This guy, we will call him Mason, was the first guy I tried to be serious with. Now at 15, and as a girl, you think that relationships are supposed to be like fairy tales and rainbows, but this was far from it. The beginning was magical. I was only allowed to go outside my house once a month, because my parents said that is only how many times girls should be allowed out. With Mason, I decided to sneak out and go out more than once a month. I sneaked out quite often at the time, actually. When I thought everything was going great, Mason gave me a cool looking ring. This Gothic-rustic looking ring that he told me his great-great grandmother once worn and it was sweet. And I wore it, of course. It wasn't till a month after sweet-nothings, late road trips around the town, and holding hand-in-hand together that something was the worst thing. He cheated on me with my best friend.
Now I say this was the worst thing, but being 15 and having nothing harm you or hurt you, being completely over protected from the world, this did seem like the worst thing. But what you are about to read isn't something I recommend for you to read. If you want to stay cheery and read all of the funny confessions, then just scroll on. Just don't read the rest. It's okay to not read on. After all, no one cared to hear me out for 7 years.
I screamed at him. I was furious. I had never felt such a feeling before. I was angry, I wanted to strangle him, I wanted to cry, and I wanted to run. I even yelled at her, my own friend. How could someone betray someone so terribly? But later on I found out that this had been going on for a few weeks and it wasn't just her; there were 4 other girls at this high school he had been cheating on and I wasn't even the original girlfriend.
He said that if I had sex with him, he would break it off with her and all of his other girlfriends. I was a virgin, I was emotional, I thought "If this will make the pain away, then sure." And so I agreed. In the backyard of my parent's house while my family was gone. It was painful and raw. It burned from the friction and there was no enjoyment out of it. I hated myself in the middle of this and I hated myself for too long after this.
Out of no where, I heard my mom's car pull into the drive way. I freaked out and told Mason that he has to leave. But with the garage right next to the exit of the back yard, there was no way to make a quiet escape. So we tried to stay quiet and hide against the wall, but then my mother caught us red handed. She wasn't yelling, though, she was surprisingly calm about it and seemed to not really care. But she said she was going to call my father, and that was probably why. She told Mason to get out asap and so he did.
It wasn't till I saw my father that I knew what true fear could be.
Let me stop for a second. This might have seem like a story where the boyfriend cheating on me would have also been the guy who physically or mentally abused me. But Mason looks like a super hero for what happened later was much more terrifying.
He was in the dark. Just standing there silent with his chest puffed like he was ready to strangle someone. He asked what had happened in such a dark voice that the hairs on the back of my neck immediately stood. I explained that I had sex with Mason. And I don't remember much what happened after that night. It's still very blurry. I remember screaming and running from my dad. I remember him pushing me and grabbing his belt to be used more than for spankings. I remember my mom..
My mom. I remember that she saved me from that one incident. She said "It's just sex, what's the big deal? You lost your virginity at 12." And I hadn't even realized that it was over my losing my virginity.
Somehow she managed to calm him down, but they took my phone away and said I was grounded for 3 months or until further notice (meaning it could last longer).
The groundings I had were awful. They weren't little kid groundings or spoiled kid groundings where they kept their games and computers. Nah, I wasn't allowed to talk to friends, my computer was taken, my television was taken, my books were taken. I was just given a bed and if my parents were in a good mood, I would be allowed to join them for food. Otherwise, I would eat alone. I was allowed to only read the Bible, (and let's be honest, that's not the most entertaining book to read) and I did my homework. Most of the time I just read math books or science books just to switch it up. My brother got amazing groundings.. He kept his TV, his phone, his XBox... His groundings were just him in his room...
I digress.. Anyways. So I stopped talking to Mason since he didn't keep his promise (go figure) and tried to move on. I showed up to school without my school ID, and at JHS, that's immediate detention. So I had to have detention right after school ended. I didn't want my parents to worry about picking me up since my mom was out of state for work and my father was at work, so I asked some friends for a ride (I also had no way of contacting my parents since I didn't have a phone still). Everyone I knew said that their parent's weren't picking them up until 6 pm and it was 3:30 pm, so it looked like I was walking home. I didn't live too far. Just a couple of miles, it would take me like an hour or two worth of walking, so it would have been fine. I start heading out and out of no where, my father pulled up to me and screaming at me. He said that I was trying to catch a ride with Mason to take me home. I was sort of stunned, because I hadn't even talked to Mason in about a week, and I was trying to figure out how this assumption was just made.
He whipped out my phone and showed me a text directly from Mason saying "Hey, I heard you needed a ride home. If you want, I can give you a ride."
I didn't have my phone on me so it wasn't as if I could have known about this text and Mason wasn't anywhere near me where my father found me, so there was no need to freak out. But he screamed at me to get in the car, and as a good little daughter, I did.
And I sure wish I didn't... Maybe I wouldn't have so many nightmares and paranoid thoughts...
He was driving so fast. It was only 65 MPH on the highways but it felt much faster. Maybe it was all the screaming and questions he was asking me.
Father said, "Why did you ask Mason for a ride?!"
"I didn't! I asked some other friends, I didn't even see Mason there!" I exclaimed.
"LIAR!" He yelled. Slamming his fist on the steering wheel, "Why lie?! I already caught you! Just admit it! JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!"
But I had. I didn't know how else to get him to believe me. I just kept telling him the truth over and over and over again but it wasn't the right answer.
We got home. I was even more scared now the car ride ended. He got out of the car, ran over to my door before I could even get out, grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the car.
This wasn't my father. This wasn't the same guy that helped me scratch off "owies" or the same guy that taught me to ride a bike. I had no idea who this guy was. His eyes.. They were so cold and dead. They were so evil.
My arm. It hurt so bad. I got a bruise from how hard he grabbed me. He shoved me into the house and started yelling "TELL ME THE TRUTH! TELL ME THE TRUTH!" over and over again. I told him the full story and it wasn't enough. He somehow couldn't believe it. I was somehow lying and that my honesty was not real.
He got quiet. He looked over and saw a full load of laundry in the laundry basket all neatly folded and slightly over-spilling. And I was so curious as of why he was eyeballing it so often.. He grabbed the full loaded basket and threw it at me like pitching a baseball.
Now you may think "oh, just a laundry basket?" But this laundry basket weighed a good 10 pounds (easily more). And if something being thrown at you going at such a speed, it can feel harder than what it actually is.
For example, a baseball on average weighs about 5.25 oz, and the average potato weighs 5.3 oz and a large potato can weigh 8 oz. My father took a large potato and threw it at my mother's shoulder like a baseball... It dislocated her shoulder from how close he was to her and how fast he threw it.. She was left with a huge bruise for so weeks.
With someone that can throw that hard, I don't feel too embarrassed by saying that I got a big bruise from a full loaded laundry basket.
I fell. I tried to gather myself up, but he knocked me back on the ground anyways. He stood over my legs so I knew not to try to get back up and I watched him take his belt off. He doesn't just use his belt for spankings...
He started yelling at me again to tell him the truth, and I gave him the same answer, 'cause I couldn't think of a lie on the spot, and it wasn't the right answer.
Why could it not be the right answer? It was the truth! He wanted the truth! I gave it to him! I told him! I yelled it to him! I screamed and yelled the truth! And it was NEVER the right answer!
It gave me a flashback from when I was a little girl, only 4 years old, and my parents said that "as long as you tell us the truth, you will never be in trouble." And it was that exact flash back that made me feel.. It made me give up.
I screamed. I cried. He hit my leg! MY LEG! My left leg was more blue than my actual skin color. I hadn't seen such a big bruise in my life.
"WHY? WHY ARE YOU HITTING MY LEG?" I screamed. He just kept hitting me.
I screamed more and more and he said "Because you lied!"
"But I didn't!" I started sobbing and screaming "I didn't!" and he was about to hit me again and I yelled "I WANT MOM!"
And he stopped. For just a second I could breathe. I was allowed to breathe for just.. a second... I was thinking 'maybe I can call mom! She'll save me! She won't let him kill me!'
It was quiet for too long. One second too long.
And he finally spoke "Oh, Sara.. Your mother isn't here to save you this time! I am so tired of you getting away with so much bull sh** and when I try to punish you it's always your mom that saves you! Oh but not this time, Sara dear! You're finally getting what you deserve!"
My hope was shattered..
And he went at it again.. It continued for way too long.. I still have nightmares about this night. I remember exactly what he was wearing... How his hair looked. Which direction I was thrown. I can point out the exact location from the high school where he picked me up.
He was wearing dark brown shoes. The same ones he wore to work everyday cause they look nice with every outfit he wore. His shirt was a polo striped shirt. Brown and tan stripes.. And Khakis... And that belt.
I worked at night shifts Wal-Mart one summer to stalk the shelves and I couldn't stalk the men's department. Specifically the belts. When I touched one, I cried. I didn't even realize I was crying. It was just the touch of it..
The dark brown belt. It was so smooth. It had a nice brass buckle on it that looked nice but didn't feel nice when it hit you, too.
My brother arrived from school.. I screamed to him "CALL THE POLICE! CALL THE POLICE! DAD IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"
But my brother was just as scared of him as I was. My brother just went into his room and hid. He was only 12, but I hated him for it for a long time..
My father had convinced him to stay out of it and when my father decided to catch his breath, I decided to try to make my escape. I wasn't sure where yet, but I had to at least get out of his reach. The door to the outside was too close, that he would easily stop me. I ran to the bathroom, to try to lock the door. It was far enough that maybe he wouldn't reach me in time for me to lock the door.
He turned his back. That was my chance! I got up and ran right into the bathroom before he did!
My hands were so shaky and my legs were so beaten on that I could hardly run as fast as I normally could.
I didn't close the door fast enough. I tried to just use my body as a weight to keeping the door closed but he was three times my size and weight. It didn't matter. He got inside the bathroom and told me to go to my room.
I ran inside my room and tried to close the door but he came in anyways.. And it happened again. He took his belt and hit my arms, my legs, my side. He hit my face. He was physically on top of me so I couldn't run away this time.
When fight or flight comes to play, and you aren't allowed to flight, you have no other option but to instinctively fight back. I never wanted to hurt my father. I used to cry when a cute butterfly died or if I accidentally hurt a frog. I never wanted to hurt anyone. But I didn't have control of myself at this point. I was just screaming and crying and I used what I had - my nails.
I clawed at my dad so often that I drew blood on him. I scratched his face, his arms, anywhere I could in hopes that it would get him off me so I could run away.
And after so many hours of being hit.. It finally happened. He got off of me and stopped hitting me. I waited to hear a sink running and I ran out the front door. I still had my shoes on and I didn't have a phone but I ran anyways.
The neighborhood was pretty open, there weren't many places to hide, but as long as I was in a public place, he wouldn't touch me. He would put on his "I am the fun sporty coach of a dad!" act. He found me not so long of me running. I was so exhausted from being hit in the legs, my legs were already throbbing without me needing to try to run on them. He asked me where I was going and I told him my friend's house.
Instead, I went to the closest restaurant and asked for their phone. I called Mason (I know, it wasn't a good idea, but he was the only one with a car that I knew) and asked him to take me to the police station, cause my father had seriously bruised me everywhere.
When I got there, I filed a report. I called my mom and told her everything and my first thought was "Finally! My mom! She can save me! She'll listen to me and we can make dad go away forever!"
She called my aunt and uncle to have them pick me up and then my father showed up at the police station to write out his side of the story.
He had quite the advantage. The odds that adults are going to listen to a 15 year old *girl*. I didn't realize it then, but the odds were stacked quite against me.
He lied to police. He told them that I was just a delusional 15 year old girl with teenage girl hormones that made me over exaggerate what was happening. The police and every adult ever bought his story. I showed the police my bruises and they asked him to explain it.. He said that "Well she was just disobeying and I had to discipline her, but she wouldn't stay still." And all my chances of being free from this wicked man were gone... He was a snake.. He had everyone around his finger. He called my mom and told her the same lie, so my mom stopped believing anything I said. He even added "Since she is so delusional, maybe we should take her to Laureate." Laureate is the psych ward in town. He had managed to take everything I said that was true about him and twist it into what made him look like the good guy and made me sound like an over dramatic teenager.
For years my mother looked at me like I was "not all there" and my brother decided to add onto my father's lie, because he was so scared of him, himself.
Two years after the incident, my parents got a divorce. My mom caught my father cheating on her.
My whole family still looking at me funny and still not talking to me.
For 4 years my mother didn't believe a single small thing I would even say, even after the divorce and her catching all of his lies. No one believed my warnings for four years.
Until it happened again.
My brother... I would never wish that kind of abuse on anyone.
After four long years of being silenced, of being treated like I was insane, of being treated like I was less than a person. For FOUR YEARS of not talking to anyone because my father told my friends at school and the school principle and anyone I ever knew.
For four years.. I can't even count how many times I got close to suicide over this. But I was too scared to actually do it myself. I tried to put myself in dangerous situations so maybe someone else would have done it for me. Maybe someone would be drunk and drive into me. Maybe I would fall asleep at the wheel. Nothing worked though. I stopped trying when I got to college.. I was safe there.. I think that's all I wanted..
For four years... My brother still was too scared to tell anyone what happened to me...
Four years after the incident, it happened again.. Almost the same exact word-for-word story I told my mom...
I got a phone call while I was in my dorm watching some tv and my mom told me the most great and horrendous news. "Sara, I.. I am so sorry. I should have listened to you all those years ago." I immediately sat up, wondering if she meant... "You were right. What happened to you, I should have listened. I am so sorry. I had no idea that your father actually did that to you, and I am so sorry that I didn't listen to you."
I immediately cried. I couldn't help it. Having your own mother think you are insane or like there is something wrong with you hurts so much... And it was like a weight was lifted off that I started sobbing. My next thought was, 'wait... why is she believing me now out of all these years?' so I asked "Wait, what happened? Why do you believe me now?"
I was hoping for more of a "Your father confessed" kind of thing, but I suppose that was hopeful.
"Sara.. I am so sorry. But your brother.. he was just beaten by your father and what he told me is almost exactly what had happened to you..."
I sank. I cried even more. My brother?! I had refused to see my father after the divorce, and still refuse, but maybe if I had gone to see him. Maybe if I kept him in my life it wouldn't have been my brother. I would much rather it be me.
My father stalked me, tested me, hit me, and did everything to keep me always on my toes.. I still get nightmares till this day and when I am having a normal day, I swear I can see him watching me. It's like I see his actual physical self right there, but when I look again he isn't there. I hate that my brother had those nightmares to share and he feels paranoid still that father is around somewhere..
I feel like I see him so often. On a bus.. In the car in front of me, in the truck behind me.
When I see his name, I immediately think back to the incident..
I can hardly live like this... I am about to graduate from college with a BSCS and I am still scared.. He facebook messaged me asking to go to my graduation, but I can't. I can't do it. People think I am being some selfish child that won't see her father, but I can't. I can't do it, and for my own mental health, I refuse..
#physical #mental #abuse #stalk #stalking #scared #ptsd #emotional
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