Meaninglessness Confessions

I used to have a dream, I used to know what I wanted from life, it was everything I could ask.

Of course i never could reach it and I know I never will. So here I am, almost six years after realizing that, still weeping about it.

I thought that after fully understanding how impossible it is I would've given up, but I can't. I don't have anything else to strive for, every day is meaningless and I see nothing worth living for in my future.

I hate my job, I can't even run away from suicidal thoughts anymore. I was told I'd stop caring eventually, I'd accept my situation and the pain will be numb.
Why isn't it happening?

I am too weak to face a life where I'm not what I wanted to be, and I know this is just me being childish and unreasonable.
I believed in that dream, I based the whole vision of my life on that, now I'm empty.

I just wished I could simply die from an unavoidable cause, or give up completely on that stupid impossible dream and accept a meaningless life. But I can't.

I don't have the strength to give up or kill myself and I hate my weak self, I hate myself more than anything else in this world. But I can't change, I couldn't in these years and it's already too late to accomplish anything.

Why can't I be normal and be fine with a random job? Why do I have to ask myself the reason I'm living for constantly and never find a convincing answer?

I wished I didn't waste my life following a chimera, now I'm left with nothing to rebuild myself on. No titles, no papers for my studies and I can't do nothing well enough to make a living out of it. I'm not even suited for my current job and I fear I'm gonna lose it soon.

The more i go ahead in life the scarier it gets, I don't want to live another five years like this, let alone sixty or more. Yet there is no other way and I know it, so why is it that I keep suffering like this?

I guess I just had to be born an idiot, I'm not meant to live. I am not strong enough to make it in society and this is the natural selection telling me I'm broken, thus I am to be discarded.

This whole vent never got anywhere, and I guess it might irritate some people, so I'll stop it here. I wonder when was it that I took a stray path, maybe it was when I started to dream in the first place.

Or more probably I was wrong from the start. The early adulthood should be the prime of one's life, I've been wanting to die since I was twelve and my prime time is almost over. I guess I was supposed to start enjoying life somewhere along the line but I only did for a bit less than a year. Other that that it was just a free fall into darkness.

I'd like to say I'm at my limit but I know myself better than that. My limit is still far away and so is the ending of my suffering.

#dreams   #weakness   #suffering   #meaninglessness