Mean Confessions

I used to have a dream, I used to know what I wanted from life, it was everything I could ask.

Of course i never could reach it and I know I never will. So here I am, almost six years after realizing that, still weeping about it.

I thought that after fully understanding how impossible it is I would've given up, but I can't. I don't have anything else to strive for, every day is meaningless and I see nothing worth living for in my future.

I hate my job, I can't even run away from suicidal thoughts anymore. I was told I'd stop caring eventually, I'd accept my situation and the pain will be numb.
Why isn't it happening?

I am too weak to face a life where I'm not what I wanted to be, and I know this is just me being childish and unreasonable.
I believed in that dream, I based the whole vision of my life on that, now I'm empty.

I just wished I could simply die from an unavoidable cause, or give up completely on that stupid impossible dream and accept a meaningless life. But I can't.

I don't have the strength to give up or kill myself and I hate my weak self, I hate myself more than anything else in this world. But I can't change, I couldn't in these years and it's already too late to accomplish anything.

Why can't I be normal and be fine with a random job? Why do I have to ask myself the reason I'm living for constantly and never find a convincing answer?

I wished I didn't waste my life following a chimera, now I'm left with nothing to rebuild myself on. No titles, no papers for my studies and I can't do nothing well enough to make a living out of it. I'm not even suited for my current job and I fear I'm gonna lose it soon.

The more i go ahead in life the scarier it gets, I don't want to live another five years like this, let alone sixty or more. Yet there is no other way and I know it, so why is it that I keep suffering like this?

I guess I just had to be born an idiot, I'm not meant to live. I am not strong enough to make it in society and this is the natural selection telling me I'm broken, thus I am to be discarded.

This whole vent never got anywhere, and I guess it might irritate some people, so I'll stop it here. I wonder when was it that I took a stray path, maybe it was when I started to dream in the first place.

Or more probably I was wrong from the start. The early adulthood should be the prime of one's life, I've been wanting to die since I was twelve and my prime time is almost over. I guess I was supposed to start enjoying life somewhere along the line but I only did for a bit less than a year. Other that that it was just a free fall into darkness.

I'd like to say I'm at my limit but I know myself better than that. My limit is still far away and so is the ending of my suffering.

#dreams   #weakness   #suffering   #meaninglessness  

I messed with two of my roommates who can get the vaccine till they did. They are the Trump type. I’d talk about the deadly new strains. How it’s in our state. I’d get around them. Talk about how I’d been in a store by a guy who hacked on me & said he’d just been in London recently. I’d say they are cutting people’s hands off. Oh well. Not worth wearing a mask. Can wipe your butt with two hooks I guess. Makes eating and picking your nose hard. I used to know this guy...
They both went & got vaccinated.
Now if I could just become eligible before the Trump people give me the stuff.
Don’t think I’m mean. My female roommates laughed at me. They went to the beach & some parties. Came back all happy. I wore a respirator around them. They started getting sick. I locked my door. Stocked it real fast. And used my window to crap outside. They laughed. He’s crazy.
Well they went visiting. Soon two were hospitalized. Ones entire extended family had a break out. One now has to have oxygen & is permanently disabled. She was young. All sorts of bad stuff in her family.
So they were debating trying the beach again. I brought up the new deadlier strains. I said these are easier to catch & deadlier. They are now afraid to go shop once again. These are Biden lovers though.
What is it with people? You get sick to have fun. Come back. Mess up a bunch of your relatives. Then months later your thinking about going on another vacation to down to a beach where they now have deadlier strains?
They wear their masks. Till they drink. Then it’s roaming around beaches & parties with no mask.
I even got one of their teen sons worried this morning. They talked him back into school. I’d talked him into home school. He was all happy. But hasn’t been taking mask. I started talking about young people dying & all that from the new strains. He went in his room. Came out with a mask. I said have a good day at school. He looked worried as he left.
Sure. I’m messing with them. But am I being mean?

#mean   #covid  

You have anger issue and you become a dick head when you get angry.

#anger   #mean  

There is this girl who is mean and I can't help but notice she is so ugly and I don't really know what her problem is with me.

#mean   #girl   #ugly   #bully   #problem   #confession  

i have been really abusive to animals sick and mean

#abuse   #mean   #cruel   #sick   #cheating   #bad