Itself Confessions

what I learnt from seeing a spiritual healer is that I always felt bad for dreams I had and any sexual thoughts or activities I did as a kid. Anyway, one nightmare stuck in my head as a teen (well a few did really) some of my dreams were very gruesome and ugly violent or very picture slide where it flashed past and the picture made the mood over a word. A lot of metaphors and word punts as well.

I asked someone about the dreams of princess diana that I would have at different times and one really captured her control over the world and I think that is what ultimately led to her demise as a human and her life so young to die. Because she was a dormant sexual image and a powerful feminine and a sign of virginal and power and elitism most people never obtain as well as a paradox of insecurities and weaknesses.

For me as a teen girl I felt I loved her as much as when I was a child but as a teen began to wonder why I loved her. Should she deserve that love as I didn't know her and she appeared to me to be a woman of selfish ends being totally spoilt for choice and I was completely the opposite. I didn't hate her but I grew to dislike women like her more and more as I found them a threat to me being able to be sexually valuable and relevant for work and love and income. It all felt so unfair. I seen so many black people making cultural improvements and I was not personally, I only ever benefited as a side step from some one else in the family and I was never allowed to be a provider or achiever or image to look up to. I was the loser teen to loser adult with no talents and no qualities to shape as I got more mature it would appear in the eyes of others but not in myself, I didn't see myself as others saw me. I guess I never will one way or another. I just wish they could live the life "my life was the complete message of the song by whitney whatever who died, "didn't we almost have it all" but we never did and we were fooling ourselves to think we would !!! I wish others knew this feeling of half getting their to be slammed down and pushed to unemployment and no love and questing why is life so shitty and gee god has to be the biggest retard ever !!! cuz he has no idea of what the heck he is doing and it all makes no sense and there is no happiness to be had in life.

how about you find out how it feels to be invited by the special girl and your prettier but everyone still likes all the others but you. your the one helping others weddings and parties and doing all the nice things and no one thinks of you. you are all alone and left alone when you have given too much of yourself and no one is worrying about your feelings tonight or caring for you at all because you didn't add enough detail to the picture or story. you didn't add some disclaimer or you didn't say what the others wanted to hear.

I still think diana died because the queen got sick of playing second fiddle to diana and she was jealous of her being so loved. The queen has killed a lot of nice women in her time. And what she didn't kill the male royals did out of as much jealous and needing the power.


My spiritual healer told me that my dream was an expression of diana's over dominance on all our minds and the world and that is what actually killed her needing to be in ever magazine and too loved for her own good. It showed her dark side she didn't want others to see and maybe there were fragments of me in whatever I saw in her reflecting at me as well of who I idolised and who I wanted to be like as a teen and adult and needing someone to look up to as the hero and princess bride like barbie image. She told me this was all normal and our dreams are often metaphoric and not always factual or literal. and I didn't kill her or harm her and I had nothing to feel bad about at all.

#dominance   #that   #kills   #itself