Grief Confessions

When my fiance died, I was 26. We had been best friends since age 10 and did not start dating until I was 20 and in college. Considering how abusive my stepfather and mothers marriage was, my fiance always consistently made me feel safe and was very much a shelter in the storm. Reliable and protective in a way that I never had to worry about anything. I was very naieve to how much my fiance was worth or that they were one of the top ten wealthiest families in America. I've met people with money but never anyone so generous towards me: emotionally, physically, financially, sexually. Would go to pay a bill for a class or utility bill and it had already been paid. It is rare to meet anyone who 'sees your need, and meets your need,' without even having to ask. Why ask anyone to buy you yellow roses? If the intention or initative is not there to show someone love and kindness what is the point. People should go the distance to show you love, and you should go the distance for others. It creates a mutual reciprocity, a flow.

My fiances death, was interpreted by my body as hearthreaking pneumonia over the loss of my 16 year companion. For 5 years in a row I continued to catch pneumonia on the day that my fiance died like clockwork. Until I found out from working with a group of monks to heal in the mountains of San Francisco I had to face a deep grief known as survivors guilt for still being alive. After that, I never caught pneumonia again.

Fast forward to the pandemic and a man from mainland China comes off the plane directly into our spa in Jan of 2020, the owner who never gets sick, like once every 4 years went down like the titanic. Then I went down for two weeks but recovered quickly. In the process the blood banks were having shortages and offered to pay me $100 a pint because a lab out of State wanted to use my juice for making serum for cancer and transplant patients. Without blood donations or the serum neither can get treatment or transplants and die. The irony, the loss of a great love and all those years of being sick in fact made me immune to CoVid. Who knew God had a plan under all the pain.

I buried a family member this week, and have been feeling under the weather. Was around too many people maskless, and I am exempt via a Doctor for vaccines due to creating serum. My left lung hurts and I am coughing with a mild fever, I wonder if this is it? I have been here on prison planet existing without the love of my life and best friend for 22 years and I am tired of being here.

Beyond family, I have learned you can expend a lot of energy caring and supporting people. But no one sincerely cares about your emotional, physical or financial well being- people are raised to be too selfish and self serving. Only concerned about what they can get from you or what you can do for them. I think about all the people my family and I have helped along the way for years and not one of them has cared to check in on me or my family to see if we are alright during the pandemic without me first making the effort. What a waste of kindness, and effort when everyone is in survival mode. The worst is nothing your extremely wealthy friends see your suffering and instead of helping you just sit back and watch you continue to struggle. It is one of the greatest disappointments when it is within their power to empower you.

Sometimes when I go to sleep at night and close my eyes, I secretly hope not to wake up. To leave the cruelty of this world behind and wake up in the dreamy arms of the one person in my entire life that not only loved me in words, but in deed consistently. No lip service. No games. No drama. No flakiness. I dated a lot of people afterwards, many of which know nothing about loving others in a healthy way. So much so I just gave up hope of ever finding or meeting anyone, because peoples issues and drama just burned me out. Then they perceive you as either; not rich enough, skinny enough, wearing the right superficial labels or driving the right car, or your unwillingness to sponsor their gold diggeritis. It's just ridiculous and compounded with the fact peoples medical addicitions come in two, no thanks. After working in nursing, you learn so many people are just toxic and abusive. Humanity needs to change to a more loving and compassionate mindset, instead of this fear based survival exploitation mode. I was backstabbed for the last time by 2nd fiance, and by my own sister and mother last summer that I was trying to help and shall pass on being close to anyone. I trust no one anymore, as it is better to be alone than settle for less than you are worth. 90% of the planet are assholes, and the ones you think aren't are. I refuse to settle for this planets version of shit love and lust because they are ignorant to what true love and caring for another genuinely means. Grateful I did not have to spend my life searching for love or sleep around to find it when God blessed me with wonderful you, my true friend, my ally, my angel in this life and beyond.

I have survived long enough without you, I know you are proud of me, but I am ready to return home to you forever because it has been a very lonely, beautiful and disappointing journey far from the waking joyful dreams of our southern mansion surrounded by trees filled with spanish moss, sharing lemonade on a hot sunny day, skinny dippin on the beach and dancing under the southern stars with the laughter of our unborn children in the air. The world has forgotten that love, shared with those you love is everything, never take it for granted and stop wasting time listening to your own excuses that hold you back from love. Tell the people you love that you love them, that they matter, that you are grateful for their existence. See their need and meet the need without having to be asked. Make every sunrise and sunset count.

Forever Grateful for my fiance Lee being my love light in the darkness of this world and allowing me to carry that love with me like a Tesla solar backpack of love to complete the work I must do. And I have done a lot. Sweet dreams my love. Hope to see you soon if any of these variants will do their job, so to expedite matters I refused any medicine or medical treatment during the pandemic.

March 3rd, the two year countdown begins...your interstellar wife is finally coming home.

#fiance   #grief   #love   #relationships   #covid  

When my dad's dog died I was actually happy at first. He was old and no longer able to control his bowels while also being more demanding than usual. He was always a bit of a nuisance due to my parents not training him at all and in age became worse through no real fault of his own. He was clearly suffering since his legs had failed entirely. He got put down after vomiting blood.

After a few days I began to remember his puppyhood and felt emotional. He was a trouble maker but never malicious. He wasn't a bad dog, maybe he could had been trained better but he was not bad.

He seemed so scared when he was in his final days of existence. I want to know his pain has ended and he is in Heaven not some eerie plane of non-existence.

I gave him a bath and cooked chicken with a tasty sauce for the dog in his sunset hours. I didn't actually know he was going to be put down that day.

I wish I had cared for him more in his life. Now I feel a void. He was a nice dog. He didn't deserve to die and it hurt to watch him suffering. I feel like a shit person.

#dog   #death   #grief   #guilt  

Hello kind souls... I too want to eliminate myself every waking moment. Eight years ago my 16 year old daughter unexpexyedly died, leaving me broken in so many ways. This occurred while I was caring for my dying mother.

I can no longer be out in public for any length of time. All I do is cry, and the public gets very uncomfortable when that happens. So, I spend all my time homebound. Waiting to die. Thinking of ways to make it happen. But hoping to make it look accidental.

I can no longer work, because I have public meltdowns when I see young women who remind me of my daughter.

These past few years of not working has left me with a mountain of debt. I can see no way out. Except one... my life insurance. It pays out even in event of suicide. In a swift 10 minutes I could solve my family's (husband and surviving son) impending financial struggles.

I just want the reasoning for my actions to be understood. I do not feel that I am being selfish in the slightest. I am only trying to make sure that my remaining fellas have the financial stability to lead happy contented lives. ♡♡♡ It was never in the cards for me to have a happy life, and I do not begrudge anyone for their happiness and success. I just cannot partake in it. It feels wrong... like I am an observer in life. Please forgive me. x

#grief   #money  

A few months ago I accidentally ran over our cat leaving the house. I didn’t have the heart to tell my wife so I lied and I’ve felt terrible since.

#embarrassed   #regret   #grief   #cat   #wife   #family   #coward   #confession   #secret