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Paranoia. I once had a near death medical incident. Took a meds. Odd reaction. For a while I was paranoid. Then I went off the med and it passed.
But sometimes it tries to return. I learned to ignore it. For instance, sometimes I think people in my house are talking about me. Going thru my stuff. Even conspiring against me in a sense. So I recorded what they were saying. Listened when I was very calm and happy.
Sometimes they are saying hateful things about me. Sometimes they are mocking me. Sometimes one of them is trying to manipulate the others so together they can get their way and bulldoze me. So that’s not paranoia.
However; other things I recorded when my mind wondered are they talking about me, they were not.
In life most everyone is mentally disturbed to some level. Most everyone’s main focus is themself. They desire control. Seek a way to get control over others. To influence others. Not for bad per sa. If I’m nice people will be nice to me. If I look hot that cute person will date me because I want to be touched by them. You get it?
So in my case, I’ve spent my life around people who conspire together against others. It’s quite ridiculous, but think of gangs. Gang members are really cowards. Too afraid to stand up alone. But I’m a pack they have the power. 5 gang bangers together are not afraid of a frail old person. Give them guns and they will even take on a small healthy man. For me they’d want a tank or two.
Watch shark fest. I’m like an orca. I know I own the seas. I walk thru the world unafraid. Sure a nuclear sub could take me on. But other than that I’m all good. But most humans are like those little gray sharks. They need to form a pack to have real power.
This is why you’ll see really scared people walking with dogs. The nice scared people have labs. The mean scared people have pit bulls.
Stay away from any human who owns a pit bull. They may go violent on you for no reason one day.
See. Humans are a lot like animals. If you accept that parts of you function like an animal; but realize you have a conscious mind, then you can control false thoughts.
Thus; if you are feeling paranoid, that’s a basic survival skill. Zebras eat, but they watch for lions. Lions are always there. But lions suddenly spring out of the grass. They chase whichever they’ve picked. If it’s a group they zig and zag. The one that stumbles or goes the wrong way is eaten.
So your paranoid for a reason. But you have to accept in life there’s a certain level of danger. We all start to die the moment we are born. It’s a certainty. The absolute Ready Player One game. This game plays for keeps. Game over is game over forever here.
So I always wonder as the scared person on the walking trail with 5 dogs walks by, why not just buy a treadmill or join a gym?
The question is do you want to spend your entire life living in fear? Or do you want to live. Bad neighborhood? Try to save up and move. Not always an option. So stay indoors as much as possible.
Here’s something that boggles the mind. We need a border wall. The drugs coming across puts a lot of people in a grave. The drugs provide the wealth for gang leaders to form a gang. Then they branch out. Extortion, breaking into homes and cars. Rape. Intimidation. Random violence.
Take away those illegal drugs, and the gangs dry up. Poor people can control their streets again.
But some cities need new poor people to keep gov money coming in. To keep all their senate seats. Some companies and people want cheap labor.
Some people just feel compassion. Like for those unaccompanied children stumbling around.
So we get this. Drugs. Gangs.
Why not build the wall. But ask cities and states if they want illegals. If they do have buses waiting. Send them to airports. Funnel them into those systems. In this way, everyone is happy.
If you live in Iowa why do you care if Michigan wants a bunch of illegals? That’s like the distance of Spain from Norway. Just stay in Iowa and live your life. If those people in California bother you so much, don’t go there.
Compromise. Good people with money and resources to spare helping people who need help. Other people who don’t want to be involved left out of it. Inner city people able to walk to parks without the gangs. Kids not joining gangs out of fear. Teens not over dosing. Children not watching their parents over dosing. Isn’t that a better way than what we have now?
Don’t let your fear cause paranoia that overwhelms your life. A life of complete fear isn’t much of a life. But if that’s all you have, keep living it. Just make the best of whatever life you have. We are all trapped in our own skins.
Time for me to go back to being funny and obnoxious. I rarely let people see the real me. I like to hide behind an illusion.
TRDP
#paranoia #fear #survival #trdp #wall #border #hope #pitbull
I never told anyone that my high school swim team coach molested me. I grew up in a midsized city that felt very small town. The kind of place where it doesn't take long for rumers to spread.
I joined the team when i was a freshman. During practice one day i got a really bad cramp. A couple of girls had to help me stay above the water and get me to the side of the pool. The muscles on the back of my left thigh locked up and I couldn't straighten my leg.
The coach and asst coach got me out and carried me into the locker. There was a room to one side that had a padded table in it. My coach closed the door and stayed with me. I remember it hurt so bad i was crying.
She massaged my leg and it started to feel better. I didn't notice until most of the pain was gone that she was running her fingers under the bottom of my swimsuit and she would brush her hand between my legs as she was massaging me.
When I could mostly move my leg she had me turn over. I was shivering from being on the cold table. She said something about getting me out of my cold wet swimsuit. Before i could react she was pulling it down my shoulders and off. I didn't know what to do. I just laid there. It felt like forever before she coverd me with a towel.
She started massaging my leg again and brushing up aginst me between my legs. She asked me if it felt good. I don't think I said anything.
I had never been touched there by someone. I remember her talking as she moved her hand between my legs. She put her other hand under the towel and touched my breasts. I'd masterbated before but this was different. I had an orgasim unlike anything I had ever given myself.
By the time there was a knock at the door she had given me another one and had her finger inside of me and knew i was still a virgin. She covered me back up and opened the door. She told the asst-coach that she must have locked it by mistake.
When we were alone again she helped me off the table she squeezed my butt and told me to keep this our little secret. Sometimes she had me do things to her. She was my first kiss. The older i got the more i hated her for taking those first experiences.
I started to notice others girls ended up in that room with her and the way we look at each other like we knew what was going on we just didnt say it.
A few years later she got fired and left town. No one really knew what happened but there were rumors. Small town USA loves a good gossip story.
I guess i had just blocked all this out. I knew it was real I just ignored it. Then about a month ago I got a friend request on Facebook. It was her, and everything flooded back in. I felt like that scared exposed 14 year old little girl. This all happened in 1983. Far too late to do anything about. Part of me wants to tell her actions effected my life. The other part of me is terrified to say anything at all.
#teacher #student #molestation #fear #silence
I am very depressed. I have lost all of my friends since I started high school just 7 months ago any my mom dad and sister are abusive. I am the oldest and I get walked all over and my parents are extremely mentally abusive. I would never report anything as i am scared of what would happen. My best friend is going to leave me as soon as she moves home from over seas and I'm worried. I don't have any friends and i could really use a boyfriend to help but i feel like i would just be better served dead.
My best friend told me that he’s dying and I haven’t talked to him over 10 days. I just ghosted him. I don’t know why, I just freaked. I was already mad at him because he called me out on some of my bs and instead of not defending myself as usual I vanish and hide as if it never happened. I’ve done this for decades when it becomes tough and not easy.
He’s a very blunt, honest guy, but I don’t know if I’m just too afraid to confront the fact he’s dying or I’m still mad that he called me out on my avoidance and confrontation issues. He said he’s been trying to find a way to tell me for a while because I’m so fragile and emotional and look what I do, I ghost him.
My husband doesn’t like him because he figured him out in 5 seconds and I sense jealousy. He knows we have this connection that we never have had and my friend knew my husband was a terrible braggart because he had low self esteem. He knew in seconds. He was right though.
We rarely saw each other much in many years because of my avoidance issues but my husband is obviously a factor. We never slept together, but we both wanted to. I love him, so why did I do this to him when he needs me the most?
Do I secretly hate him because he’s sick and dying like all my relatives back home I never get to see either? I don’t know what to do now that it’s been so long and he flipped out saying how cold I was being and his friend accused me of being a child that needs to grow up.
We’re in our mid 40s as it is but I can’t figure out exactly why I did this at all and am still doing it. I pretend I’m ok, but I keep thinking of him, then have sex with my husband and think of him. No matter what I do I think of him and want to cry but also smack myself in the face and seek him out and apologize.
I don’t know why I did this but I can’t seem to stop. Am I weak and a horrible friend? Am I what he said I was, or am I just a b**ch and in denial? I just don’t know, yet I keep avoiding the best friend I ever had who never treated me bad like everyone else did. Do I just deserve to be miserable or am I just a horrible, weak person? I honestly don’t know anymore and I hate myself and often cry for hours. I just can’t stop.
Female, 14.
Because I am not allowed to smoke, me and a friend of mine meet once a day in our near park to smoke a cigarette. We always put the snags in a plastic bag and throw them in a rubbish bin.
A few days ago a fire occured in that park. One of our cigarettes kept glowing and set the bin on fire, a few trees and some bushes got also burnt down and now the police and everyone is looking for those persons who set the fire.
It's a desaster, we can't go to our parents because they didn't allow us to smoke and if they would find out, all hell breaks loose....
I really am afraid of thunderstorms. I can't handle them and if I hear the slightest noise of a thunder, I hide under my bed crying.
I am 34 years old and I have a daughter.
I hated my ex because he messed me up mentally I felt so worthless. Over time I got over it but I have this fear of men. It’s almost been 3 years.
When I was 16 I became friends with my mentor while I was in a boys home. My mentor was a 31 yo black male. He would take me off campus and to his house, buy me food and take me to church. One day after leaving the on campus gym where we'd been playing basketball one on one he directed me to an empty classroom. I knew what he wanted and confirmed this when he pulled me close and I could feel his cock semi-hard. Eager to please I immediately dropped to my knees and started sucking his huge cock. He sat on a desk and touched my little dick for a second while I pleased him. He came in my mouth which I didn't like too much so I spit it on his shorts. Fast forward 15 years later I have fathered five kids, been married once and am in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. Recently over the course of maybe five years I've become complacent with my sex life, simply because I have done everything i want, from two women, anal sex you name it I've done it. I started having bi sexual feelings and started to want to act on these feelings. I would get very horny and tease guys, play with my significant others toys, wear thongs and thoroughly enjoy it. My now spouse knows all my fetishes, she allows me to wear her panties, knows I like male on male action as well as transexuals. There is something about a trans that I like, smooth body, nice asses, and that surprise between their legs. I would never penetrate a man but have discussed with my spouse about a threesome with a man we like and both of us pleasing the man. We talked about it for a year or so, she even bought a strap-on that we tried, it was way too big. But she would let me suck it and try her best to pleasure me. Recently I found a gentleman I was comfortable with talking to and showing my body via pics and of course he was instantly ready to participate in a freaky night of male on male sex. I went one night and flaked as I got to his apt. The next night my spouse basically forced me to go, saying I'll never know if I'm going to like or what I'm missing if I don't go, so I forced myself. I shave my privates like a woman, smooth, nice ass and dressed in a black thong. This time I wasn't so into it. He'd been jerking with some kind of lube and his cock tasted terrible. Him asking me to undress humiliated me, even tho that is one of my favorite things because I know I have a nice body, my ass being the nicest assets I have. He wanted me to lay on his couch outside in my panties while he sat in between my legs, tugging on my cock. He was definitely enjoying himself and I was nervous, almost sickened at what I was doing. I came rather quickly and wanted to dress immediately. After I dressed he asked me to sit in the living room with him and talk so I did. I like the thought of being objectified. I like making someone's cock hard. I like touching cock and being submissive. I'm nervous about my wife feeling I'm taking things a bit too far but I need her to be involved. She says she doesn't mind, but I'm worried she won't really be turned on. I need her to tell me that it's ok to get on my knees, I need her to be supportive of me wanting to be treated like a woman from time to time. We have agreed next time she will be there. And we will both be used. I wouldn't mind coming out as bi-sexual, but I don't want to tarnish our names and embarrass her. I have often thought I'd we don't work out I will definitely be on the look out for a woman that likes the same things I do and just be real from day one, like hey I like to wear panties and sucking cock turns me on. If she doesn't want that I'll move on to the next.
I'm gay and I haven't come out to my family yet and one day they've saw my wallpaper (two guys hugging) and said "If you don't delete that I will hide your phone" while my cousin said "Gay people are disgusting" I have to lie to get out of the conversation.
I'm a 21 year old gay male. Decent looking.
Anyway this starts all the way back in elementary school, I always felt different. I was the odd kid out and often picked on but if you were to look at me there would be no obvious reason. I was clean, looked normal but I was always off, this is when the horrible pattern started. I had met this kid, let's call him Cody, anyway we hit it off at first when school started because he was the new kid and I was a loner and we bonded over just running around at recess because neither of us liked sports (or ever were invited to play) and the swing set. As the year went on I thought everything was fine and normal, his mom even started volunteering at the school to serve snacks for the students which had given me a chance to meet his mom which I thought was great until i got pulled into the office one day. I was told that I was being suspended for harassing another student, it turns out Jake was deeply afraid of me and my vivid imagination, so afraid that he had pretended to be my friend so he wouldn't get hurt. His mom volunteered at the school to even keep an eye on me so she can see for herself what was going on. That's when I really knew something was wrong with me and what sickens me is that this exact same pattern of me finding one person and developing a dangerous fixation on them, my intent is never to harm them but I do... never physically but I'm so insecure in everything about myself. I need to pick a fight with them just to know that they care enough to argue back. I make up a sad story or suicide attempt to see how much they love me. I constantly push these boundaries to test how much they will take and if they will hurl me out of their lives too. This pattern has slowed down but not in a healthy way, ive now turned to opiates to give me that feeling of euphoria I would get when someone would say something nice to me or give me a hug. I'm up to about 160-200 mg of oxycodone use a day which I guess is enough to kill someone without a tollerance and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up from my nod. When this isn't enough I turn to casual sex on grindr just so I can still feel sexy and desired, I never use condoms because I hope I get HIV, that'll kill me in a few years if I don't treat it hopefully. Oh I should also mention that the only person that ever loved me unconditionally no matter how bad I got died of cancer when I was 19, the same time my "fiancé" left me. He was actually pretty good at dealing with my crazy, he knew how to work around it but after losing my mom I got really bad. Wanna know what's funny? I have a high paying job! I'm really smart and manipulative so I was able to cheat a resume and land a 30$ an hour job, I just pretended I knew what was going on lol I've even bought a car recently. I have this random peaks of energy and sanity I think where I set a goal and then I work hard to acheieve it, all while hiding a drug addiction. This isn't easy to do but any addict can tell you that they'll figure something out to push them through the day. As you can see this is so haphazardly written because this is how my brain works, I'm never on a single path and do you want to know the sickest thing that torments me the most in my life? I love. I love so hard. I love everyone and everything. All I want to do is love each and every person on this earth and i know that I have enough compassion in my heart to go around to each one of you but with my deadly desire to be desired like that in return all I do is hurt anyone who crosses my path. I've stopped now. I even got on methadone to start saving up a chunk of money for my family and entered the methadone clinic who dose me every morning before work, then I go to my office, milk the fuck out of the clock, go home, pop some xanax or whatever drug I can get my hands on because I have stockpiled fake pee for the UA's and pass the fuck out. On my days off it's just a blur of some type of intoxication. The beauty of this is, I'm no longer harming anyone, I tell my family I'm just dedicated to my career and they believe me because they see the new diesel (used 2011) Ford Dually I bought. I'm not in emotional pain for the lack of not having human interactions. My account is growing slowly but since I don't pay rent I can put almost half my monthly income into savings. I've written a list of the names of all the people I've hurt and for each name is a letter telling them everything that's beautiful about them. In 6 more months (if my body can hold up to my downers at night and daytime stimulants) I'll leave on a positive note with my dads debt paid off and my brother a newer truck which he should be able to make the payments on with the way I got the loan set up. Fuck you guys I'm so sorry I've failed you all. I was supposed to be the one to take every tear and change it for you... there has never been a time when my compassion didn't bring joy to someone's face, in fact that's the only thing that's kept me here this long. Kill me if you want and can find out who posted this, it would help. Today is January 7th.. late July and the toxic creature that has infected our existence as a species will enter the void of nothingness. Damnit, I was supposed to be something so beneficial. Anyway, bye babes. You have my love - mine is not to reason why, yours is not to make reply for I am to do and die.
#insanity #death #suicide #fear #addiction #abandonment #loss
I fear I've masturbated more times than I'll ever have sex and I deeply regret it.
#masturbation #sex #regret #fear
I lied to my job that I was vaccinated. I didn't want to get the vaccine because I didn't trust it. I heard many horror stories of severe adverse reactions and I was really afraid that it could happen to me. I paid for a fake vaccine card from a scammer online and showed it to my boss when asked to verify my status. When he questioned me, I lied to my boss and told him that it was real. He didn't believe me and reported me to upper management. When I came to my senses, I gave in and took the vaccine. Despite this, I am still in trouble for lying and comitting fraud. I am on the verge of losing my pension, insurance, my livelihood, and everything I've spent decades working hard for. Father God, please forgive me. 🙏
So every time my brother gets mad, he becomes this hateful demon. Hes an ass to my mom dad and every one else. Hes only like this at home or in public when hes super pissed. He says the meanest shit sometimes, but every time I make him really mad I fear for my life. Hes told me hes had murderous thoughts and the things he does really anger me. I honestly dont know if hes a good person bad or both.... im just confused why is this happening to my already sick mother? How much time will pass before he realizes how wrong he is? Will he ever?
I have to confess something that (for me) is very embarrassing and horrible and bad.
I am so afraid of black people at night. I don't know why, I don't know when it started. When I'm out at night and I see a black person, I almost freak and pass out. It's horrible.
The worst part about it you ask? I am a black person myself.
My hubby got in an accident and was in the hospital in surgery and my landlord came to my bedroom and asked to come in he said if I did not fuck him he would kick me and my husband out and I did not want to have my hubby homeless and recovering from the accident he could not walk so I fucked him and I regret it.
I am sick of my high-stress job and am afraid to quit.
I fear not to find another well paying job.
This drives me to consider suicide!
I hope the current Corona Virus will push the world into absolute chaos. Then I can be myself!
I am afraid to tell anyone I am lesbian. For years I have denied it, because I always second guess myself, and because I have never dated anyone I have just lied about it. I am stuck and miserable, my family already tries to shove God at me whenever they can. I am afraid of the reactions my friends would have. I feel so alone in this right now, I pretend to be interested in guys just so my family wont find out, because I know it'll all go to shit once they do. I am being judged by the people in my life that say who I am is disgusting, and they don't even know they are directing it at me. It fucking sucks, and I feel like lying is the only choice I have now.
#lies #lesbian #confession #family #friends #alone #fear #judgement
I’m scared , I’ve been gay since I was 14 and I have yet to reveal it to anyone other than 2 of my closest friends . I’m scared of how others outside will perceive me since i live in an area with heavy discrimination on the matter. I’m turning 19 this year and I have yet to reveal it to my loved ones. I’m scared of the Outcome.
I used a social media to trade nudes with legal adults who asked for such. But, it turns out against my knowledge, that one such person was actually a minor posing as someone of age and said they had reported me to the site.
I'm afraid I'll be investigated by the police then arrested and posed as a pedophile.
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