Exaustion Confessions

I think I may be slightly crazy. Not like dangerous. Just weird. I can remember real stuff in my past mostly. Some is lost. Health issues & age. The weird thing is I remember stuff that seems real but has to not be. I cant figure it out. Could it really be real?
This is real. I saw a weird secret drone by a military base. I kept that secret all these years. I’m from a military family. Very patriotic. But I never believed in space aliens; ghost; big foot, etc. I had a crazy relative who did. We had to humor them. So I’d act like I did. But I thought it was all stupid.
Now our government is releasing videos, pictures. I see pilots on TV. whatever. They say it’s all real. How can that be? Now I’m very sick. No immune system. I can’t get around people that go out. I’ve only talked very minimal to others. I mean I go weeks without saying a word out loud. Ever since the pandemic hit. So I’ve been stuck in a tiny room all alone for how long? When did the pandemic start? Well since that first day. If I leave I treat it like a combat mission. I’m in & out. Minimal contact I keep 6 feet. Shift. Double layers or n95 I altered myself to have a very tight fit. Topped by face shield. I have intense chemical training. I know how not to get this stuff. But I have went paranoid it seems. It’s like my mind is drawing the danger zone around people. My radius.
I haven’t talked to people in so long I Can’t do it now. I don’t even want to. I seem to be using this phone to talk to who? Me? But I’m just lying constantly. There’s almost no truth. I have no paper so this phone is now my life line to who? Me? So weird. I do try to be pretty honest when I talk to certain people. Even then I tweak stuff. I’m trying to bring about good. I’m on a mission to help all of you. A mission I sent myself on. I was trained to go from being part of a group to a lone wolf in order to finish a mission. Even if i determine and enact the mission myself. So best I can tell my mind has triggered me on a mission to help save us during a pandemic while laying in my bed. See. I think I’m now a little nuts. Thankfully I’m very passive so my missions are just stupid LOL. My primary mission is to try to unite us & spread knowledge.
It sounds mean; but I feared someone in a position of power lacked the skills to be there when this hit. So I tried to give them guidance. Military. Economy. Control of civilian dissent. Division of mission critical items. Creating new items. How to set up the chains. Variants. How to send signals to possible enemies that you were ready if they were up to something. I want tell you how to do that. But I needed to set back and watch how the world responded. Then I could move to other stuff. Doesn’t mean suspected enemies hadn’t done what was possible. Just ment my sudden change gave them pause. That was the point. See if they were just probing or committed. Then I shifted to internal needs. I liked this person. They really seemed to be trying. But no one noticed the internal battle. Political strategies. Us attacking ourselves while a virus attacked. And one or more potential enemies may be fixing to attack us suddenly. I know that sounds foolish to most. I was trained by old soldiers from multiple wars. I also studied military strategy for years. I felt bad about trying to manipulate things, but I was trained that if the battle ground is suddenly lost; and you suspect the leaders have broken. Then any capable soldier in the battle field must take charge of as much of the battlefield as they can in order to save as many as they can. I may have to dig in and die for the common good. I may have to fight a series of retreats. I may have to shift an enemy away; allowing an out of control mass in all out flight to get away. Once I’ve saved all I can. Then I must now save whatever I can that’s left to me. I’ve been trading their lives for time to save those that lost discipline to this point. Now I must try to strategically save key points. If possible I must contact the other separated group and instruct some of them to try to hold a key spot. Get most of them on the water or in safe zone. Use as support until re-enforcement arrives. Instruct them to evacuate all fast if enemy is approaching. I’ll hold my key spot I find. I’m looking for them to hold the port they evacuated from. I need near an area I could be later saved from. I will find defensible ground nearby. I will now raise hell upon them from this position. Always defense. If we fail I must remove myself from the battle so they can’t capture me & use me against their enemy. I’m creating a place for us to re-enter on one side. A place for us to extract on my side once they can recover us. I’ve got all sorts of stuff like that in my mind.
So when the pandemic hit I tried to seize control of a tiny part of the overall battle strategy. To influence it in the correct ways needed. If others had already thought of it I’d be redundancy. If not I’d be supplying valuable insight to those in power. I liked the people I was trying to influence. But I was ultimately not there to serve them. I was there to serve all the scattered troops I could save. Try to help make sure we were preparing for outer War while fighting an already spreading rampant internal war.
Let me tell you. When the internal enemy is an unknown strength I have no idea how many I can save. You’d want to just hold everyone In place. But if an external war is coming. If the internal war was started in order to turn you inward so you exposed your back. Then you have to watch the outside too. The best way to do that is use quick sudden unexpected moments to re-posture. This makes you unpredictable. They may freeze a planned attack. If not you may have just sniffed them out. Either way you just sent a signal. Your in War mode. They’d better watch out. They expected to be the aggressor. Instead you are the aggressor. If they move I will have them. I will now start tearing them apart. If they freeze I’ll stand guard.
After this is over; even if they were pure as new fallen snow, they will study what you did. Everyone will. They will see that in the blink of an eye you went from stagnant and peaceful. To fully engaged. That will cause great pause to everyone. For the duration of your leadership you now will have any potential adversary afraid to move. They will then test the next leader.
Now I needed all barriers removed to get a vaccine ASAP. Control standards train people. In an emergency you remove those. The people you need are already trained. They are now fully motivated out of self survival. Turn them loose. Once you get the vaccine and everyone has dosages, you tighten controls back. Now you study. Was it an accident? Or on purpose?
That sounds foolish. But once long ago we got lazy. Pearl Harbor happened. A certain power has been flexing expanding. Building islands. Taking the property of others. They got control of the head of the WHO. When this happened we had to wonder was it intentional?
Now obviously I didn’t do any of that. I’m just some person trapped in my bed in a room during a pandemic. But I’m sinking into my pretend wars because I needed distraction. I actually did none of that. I just watched the news. Saw what seemed to be happening in the news everyday to hear data. The news is boring. So I made it more interesting to myself.
In my pretend game the leader had an unnatural addiction to social media. That meant they may also take input. So I gave them input. I expected zero response. I expected qualified people on the other end to completely ignore me. For them to be large & in charge. Instead; I actually seemed to be helping to drive the ship. I thought are you freaking kidding me. I almost died right before this hit. Now I seem to be helping to drive the response? Well all right then. I’ll try to help drive. I’m a person of love. I see the good in everyone. Most people are more good than bad. You just have to find a way to get the best out of them.
I never expected to be helping to drive the ship from my bed as I struggled not to die.
At a certain point I saw that the internal attack was beyond hope. Not the invisible enemy. The internal struggle with ourselves. I had tried to stabilize the leader with good advice. But he was being attacked verbally & was upset. At this point I knew the power was gone. We were all setting at home. The media started focusing on things. I personally agree with what the media wants. However; I felt we should have focused on our economy the next cycle. Even though that would dramatically hurt me
But that was over. The streets were full. Change was coming. Out of this horrible bad good would come. I actually believed in the one going out economically. I question the one coming in economically. But I agree with him otherwise on most things.
I was hoping we’d bounce back fast economically. People like me would struggle financially with no health care. But it would be the best for most people.
Once i saw the streets full I realized he wasn’t listening to me anymore so I unplugged. At least I’d given sound advice. Now at the end. I was needed once again. He was knee deep in. So I reached out & said let it go. Go and heal yourself. You did good.
I have now offered a few bits of advice to the new power. But he won’t need my help. I did suggest ways to unite us. But I thing with a vaccine in hand this guy can handle it. So I can die now.
I almost died. No money for a hospital. Now I’m trying the medicine again since my nation no longer needs me. I’m so sick. I can’t stand it. I’ve got to let it go too. Trust the next guy. I haven’t slept in days. I’m so sick. My hands cracked open & started bleeding today in several spots. That means my body is getting very dehydrated. Yet I’m drinking water till I’m almost at disreah. That means my body is attacking itself. I waited for this med way too long. I ate a lot of bad food to try to help you for way too long. Now I have to try to live. For my sick child.
See what I did there. I did it again. I’m just some moron. I’m literally an old disabled person barely alive. I do have a very sick disabled child. My poor kids. They’re so sweet. But I failed them.
I do have to ask this. Am I crazy. I wonder if I went crazy a while back. Was I really trying to help control my nation from my bed? Would someone actually listen to a deranged person? I would hope not. If my nation needed my help from my bed then that’s wild. But at least I tried to help get them ventilators, a vaccine, get their leader to be nice, to make sure we were prepared for an invasion. I did my best considering I pass out constantly and can barely focus. Plus I’m brain damaged.
Too weird. I sometimes wonder. Am I dead? See I almost died right before the pandemic. It’s been very hard ever since. I have these short moments of clarity. Then I drift off.
I’m so glad the vaccine exists. So glad we reached the finish line. Surely we can have more peace now.
You should thank the man who left for what he did. Hope the next man does well. But I have to tell you I’m nervous. That whole capital thing was worrisome. We have to get people back to work & with vaccines in their arms. I’m not going to waste my time bothering the new guy. I’ll assume he’s not going to need me help. I’ve got to work on me now. I have been peeing blood I’ve got to get my body balanced.
But why can’t people get along? It’s a pandemic people. Let’s love each other. It works better that way. And please my Creator. Do not let someone rise actually need my help beyond my few I can try to help. I’m frazzled. I can’t handle it anymore.

#lie   #confusion   #exaustion   #disease   #death