Discipline Confessions

I have never in my life, wanted to kill myself more than right now. I know it sounds crazy but I cannot take my parents anymore. I cry every single time in the shower and I try to put on a strong face at school. But no one knows what really is inside of me. Maybe the problem is me. Maybe it’s them. But sometimes you just can’t stand it anymore. I have tried to do everything to please myself and them. After years of getting hit, getting pushed around, verbally abuse, and so many more emotional scars on me, I have now turned… suicidal. It seems like a better place than this hell hole. If I sound selfish and unappreciative, well, I’m sorry. But… if I have to keep living like this, I rather choose a place where I am not living anymore. There may be no physical evidence of what my parents did to me, but inside, it is years of ripped, raw emotions that have been finally triggered. I know that one day, possibly this year, my mom and I will have an argument that we will say something that we could NEVER go back from. If that day comes, I would like to keep this doc as me already predicting this. I just wish the best for them if I do leave this Earth like this. I have an ocean of bottled up emotions that has been building and building for the last few years. I can’t say anything and so instead, my eyes show the signs. I looked at my razor yesterday and wondered what it would be like to cut myself. My rational side yelled and pleaded with me to not do it, but my heart said to do it…. And I just couldn’t. People say that cutting yourself may help you find control of the one thing you have. Yourself. But I just couldn’t. I figured later, right now, that I would rather just stick a freaking knife into my chest and be done for. That sounds much quicker than bleeding out. I’ve read too many romance stories and been around too much success stories. I want to become a female version of a powerful CEO, but also an Oscar-winning producer at the same time. But life never goes my way. You have to try and achieve it. I had it all planned out. I was going to go to Harvard and graduate, marry my high school sweetheart and have a boy and a girl. But life is also unfair. It never told me how I would get screamed at for one bad test grade, but an A overall. It never told me that I would get hit for saying something out of context. Maybe that is how life works. But when it gets too much, you want it to be over. And so, I hope that when this comes out, I want all parents that have hit their children for a bad grade, a remark, a bad habit, to rethink your choices. You have no idea what you are putting us through. Years and years and YEARS of abuse, and it is not just physical. What goes underneath hurts more than 100 physical scars and some may never heal.

#scars   #discipline  

I feel like I need to be disciplined but I am to afraid to tell anyone I can do some really bad things and get away with it

#discipline   #getaway   #despair   #bad  

For years now I puke my guts out and no one knows about it.
Everyone thinks I am fine and healthy while I hate myself, I just can't be disciplined. Everyone thinks I am happy but I am not.

#despair   #puke   #guts   #healthy   #fine   #hate   #disciplined   #confession   #happy   #secret