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I seriously want to commit suicide. I'm just done with life. The friends that I thought would never switch up on me, did. My dad, who is like my best friend isn't talking to me. Rumors about me at school are going around that it's making me not want to go school no more. I just can't, I been wishing for death since a little kid for being bullied over my skin color. I have a boyfriend, he knows about my suicidal past, but not the reason why. He always tells me things about my skin color and asked me if bothered me. I said no because I didn't want to seem so fragile. But it in reality it hits me so hard. I hate that the first thing that goes through a mind of a person when they meet me is my skin color. I absolutely hate it. I just don't think I can't do this anymore. If I didn't have a boyfriend, I would honestly already do it.. but I don't want to break his heart bc I know how much it would hurt him.
I want to confess that I once thought about going on a killing spree.
Please don't get me wrong, I know how terrible this is but I just couldn't handle it anymore. Back in middle school all other kids hated me, bullied me and pranked me. After a girl pretend to like me but just did so because she had lost a bet, I was furious. I actually had planned the attack but was too afraid to do it.
I am now a grown up man in my mid 30 and I am very glad I haven't ruined my life like that.
I was 15 years old and always getting laughed in school by boys older than me. Couldn't do a damn thing about defending myself because I would have gotten my ass kicked in. I always felt embarrassed when they bullied me in front of girl that tagged along with them just to have fun. One day they caught me on the far side of the baseball field and girls telling them to pull my pants down. I don't think they would have done it if girls wouldn't have said that. I remember being carried by my arms and legs behind the baseball equipment shed with my pants and underwear pulled down and turned over so girls could see my penis. I died a thousand death when I looked up and saw those giggling girls looking at my penis and pulling my shirt up so it wouldn't cover it. Couldn't do anything else but swallow my shame and hang there with girls getting a cheap thrill and laughing their heads off. I got stripped bullied and probably not the only boys that this has happened to and ashamed about tell any one. It's what older boys do to younger ones just for kicks. It's a horrible thing that only time will partly make you forget.
Back in middle school there were those two guys who we always bullied.
We locked them in the rest room, took their clothes and made them cry.
It was hilarious back then. But today, I have a really guilty conscience.
Sorry, guys!
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