Bittersweet Confessions

I am so happy I found this site. I have a story thats been burning at me for a long time and now I can put it out there without worry of exposing myself.

I had been friends with a couple for a while, about 5 years, they were nice to me we would go on holidays together and they would be there to support me morally and so on. The wife always had a problem with me though, i don't know why. She is really beautiful and has a sexy ass and she is intelligent etc etc. I on the other hand , I am not bad looking, I'm tall, attractive, slim, I have a great smile and personality too. At the time all of this was not so obvious to me. My then boyfriend would always tell me that the husband of that woman (20 years my senior) had a thing for me but i obviously brushed it off as him being a bit possessive.

Skip a few years my boyfriend died in a horrible way. So I was grieving and that man (who at this time I viewed as a brother) came to my house to comfort me and to help me through that painful time. After that he would check on me a few times a week . Calling, texting or emailing.
Understand this, during this period I was so angry at the world that my boyfriend had died, I didn't care about a lot of things or people. So when this man declared his undying love for me, I just wanted to know how far he would go with it.
We had been friends for a long time and I understood him a lot and i 'got' him . We thought on the same wave length and we had the same thoughts and feelings towards certain things . We just 'clicked!

Not long after that he wrote me an email describing the intense sexual attraction he had toward me and how he no longer viewed me as just a friend but someone he cold share his life with. In all honesty?? At that particular point in my life, that's all i needed to hear.

For years after that email we would go on trips together, make out heavily , we couldn't go all the way because we wanted to save that for when he had left his wife. At the same time me and him loved his wife so much we didn't want to break her heart with our 'affair'. So we just used to make out and talk and touch and dream. I fell in-love in a way I never knew possible . We fought , we cried, we yelled at each other but no matter what, after everything , we were always there for each other. It was an intense love on so many levels. We loved each other hard.
I could not bear the thought of breaking his wife's heart so i broke mine. I lied to him that i was going on vacation but i knew what i was doing. See, i decided to resettle in a different time-zone in a different continent, just so it would be difficult for me to be with him. Its worked. I'm not with him, hes still married, I'm still dating and having fun with it. But, my heart is with him and my dead boyfriend.... They are the only ones who will have my complete heart and soul.
I dream of a time we could have been together because i feel empty not knowing....

At the same time I'm okay with my decision... I loved hard and I know what its like to be loved right back with everything even when sex is off the table. But goddam I love him still

#sex   #love   #boyfriend   #adultery   #lovelost   #bittersweet