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I screwed up my relationship and it ended because I was too scared to tell the truth. Unknowingly to me at the time I was suffering from depression, I got myself into debt and I couldn’t get out of it. Instead of telling my partner I tried to deal with it myself. My partner had a temper, often wouldn’t speak to me for days or weeks on end if I had upset him even though I didn’t know what it was I had done wrong. He never asked me if I was ok, he never took any interest in me and I was constantly walking on eggshells. None of this excuses what I did. He started spending time away from me, told me he wasn’t happy with our relationship anymore and I think he had met someone else but would never admit it. I desperately wanted our relationship to work but it was too late. Several months later, we were still living together and he found out about my debt, I didn’t tell him but he found out and hit the roof. My heart was pounding so fast I thought I was going to die, he wouldn’t listen to me and it was the worst night of my entire life. I often have flashbacks to that night and even just writing about it makes me so anxious. I left our home the next day, our relationship was over. He told everyone we knew what I had done, people spat at me in the street and rightfully blamed me for everything. I lost everything, my home, possessions and a big part of myself that I will never get back. Years have now passed and he’s moved on with his life, met someone new and sold our home. I can’t move on. I hate myself so much, I can’t forgive myself for what I did and I know that I am a bad person. I haven’t rebuilt my life, I still have nothing and no home of my own. I have depression and I realise now that I have had it for a long time. I paid my debt off which should have been a big relief but it wasn’t, I desperately want my old life back and I know that I will never get it back and that is my punishment. People think that I have shown no remorse but I feel it every second of every day. I deserve to have a miserable life, I am scum.
I’m suffering from self harm addiction and I’m so guilty because I promised everyone I’d stop but I can’t especially when I have a very bad day
I think the only thing that kept me from doing something very violent was that my cousin\brother was right there and he's seen his mom be beaten enough already.
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