Wordplay Bashes

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

One of my balls just ate the other one. Must be a canniball.

You don't have to be a Doctor to have patience.

Just broke up a fight between a big swan and a small swan. I said to the big swan pick on someswan your own size

Grammar news: A man has been found guilty of overusing commas, the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

I could do my dream job with my eyes closed.

I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

Isn't it ironic that Superman's kryptonite is kryptonite.

A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

When I die, they'll say "He lived his life like a candle in the wind, constantly getting blown."

I'm not much for cooking... Let's eat out then you can eat me out.

My girlfriend wants to break up because of my obession with Avril Lavigne

Why does she have to go and make things so complicated?

While Jesus was breaking bread, Judas was Breaking Bad.

Unlike clothes, fat jokes are difficult to grow out of.

Grave robbery is wrong on so many deeper levels.

If his hands aren't all over you and clothes aren't coming off within the first two minutes... He's not into you

It should be perfectly acceptable to give girls with their thongs hanging out wedgies.

If you're thinking what I'm thinking then you're not thinking.

Immortality jokes never get old.

I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier. Must be going through a tough period in her life.