Witty Bashes

When Jesus comes back, do you think he'll be wearing Crocs?

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It's all fun and mind games until someone ends up in the mental institution.

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"Shut up" is a far more honest reply after somebody sneezes.

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Obama's teleprompter just says, "You're the man. Wing it."

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If you've never jumped from one couch to the other to avoid the lava, then you never had a childhood.

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"I wish you were my sister so I could sometimes accidentally see you naked," is not a pick-up line that has worked for me yet.

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I speak bilingual. French, wine and horny.

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the local news is talking about wigs for babies so people can tell they are girls. here's an idea: who cares

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I've been greeting everyone I meet with a kiss on the neck. So far, results are most unfavorable.

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I just watched Two and a Half Men for the first time. Which one is the hermaphrodite?

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I've got so many things to put off today.

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Sometimes saying: "I wish the best for you” is just a nice way of saying…now you’re someone else’s problem.

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Reality Check. Not every person you meet will like you. Get over it.

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And one day, they ran out of metaphors and were forced to say exactly what they meant.

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You know you're really drunk when all you can talk about is how you're really drunk.

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I always go to Halloween parties as a ghost, so don’t expect to see me there.

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I wish Jack Daniel's made house calls.

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Life is like a box of chocolates it doesn't last as long for fat people.

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Just saw a black guy with a tattoo that read:

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It's weird how someone saw a sponge in the ocean and was like, "I HAVE to wash my dishes with that."

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