Witty Bashes

"Shut up" is a far more honest reply after somebody sneezes.

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Trying to stab someone with a butter knife is pointless.

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Closing your left and right eye to see how an object changes places when you're extremely bored.

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When I was a kid I thought dogs hated cats because of racism.

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I always go to Halloween parties as a ghost, so don’t expect to see me there.

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I'd bet aliens have already visited us, but after careful observation concluded there's no sign of intelligent life on Earth.

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I've been greeting everyone I meet with a kiss on the neck. So far, results are most unfavorable.

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I've been in Hawaii for 3 days now and I've yet to get lei'd.

I call bullshit.

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I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

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Say what you will about human beings, but we did invent ice cream.

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Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

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The most awkward public fart is at the gym wearing headphones. You know you farted, but you have no idea how loud it was, or who heard it.

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After 3 days, Jesus probably resurrected with some wicked tomb hair.

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What does I mean if you can't feel half of your face? Don't worry...it's the ugly half.

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Sometimes saying: "I wish the best for you” is just a nice way of saying…now you’re someone else’s problem.

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I like drunk text’s because when nothing makes sense, I know they thought of me.

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I have nothing against shooting animals. I just think it would be really cool if they could shoot back.

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I wish I was addicted to something good. Like cleaning or making money.

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I'm smart enough to know when to play dumb.

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I wish Jack Daniel's made house calls.

#witty