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Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #witty
Sometimes saying: "I wish the best for you” is just a nice way of saying…now you’re someone else’s problem.
I'm going to be really disappointed if nobody makes a video of Smeagol doing the 'Should Have Put A Ring On It' dance.
Caught the guy from next door stealing my newspaper. He calmly said "This is not your newspaper" The old bastard tried to Obi Wan Kenobi me!
"I wish you were my sister so I could sometimes accidentally see you naked," is not a pick-up line that has worked for me yet.
I believe in marriage as much as I believe in religion... both are great things, for other people.
If people took as long to choose a spouse as old people take to choose a banana there would probably be a lot fewer divorces.
I've been greeting everyone I meet with a kiss on the neck. So far, results are most unfavorable.
If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.
The most awkward public fart is at the gym wearing headphones. You know you farted, but you have no idea how loud it was, or who heard it.