Stupid Bashes

I hate when people in RL don't like me cause they're jealous of how pretty I am but they lie and try to say it's cause of my narcissism...

Why am I sitting in a wheelchair in the front yard? Because Cops aren't so quick to taze and/or arrest a belligerent drunk with a handicap.

Just pulled a muscle wiping myself.

Make hash while the sun shines, because smoking hay when it's raining is pretty damn weird.

Ugh. I put the turkey in the oven almost 3 hours ago but it keeps pecking at the oven door.

Sometimes I have impure thoughts about my electric toothbrush.

Snakes on a plane was a stupid name for that movie. There were people on that plane too.

That's not chocolate you idiot, but just wait a second let me taste it.
Like I said that's not chocolate you idiot.

Can't believe my husband didn't even get me a bday gift. I mean yeah, we're getting divorced, but it's not like it's finalized yet.

The problem with 8 hour meetings is the iPhone only has a 6 hour battery.

If he drives a Prius, he'll let you put it in his butt.

I just had two automatic doors in a row not open for me. Proving that not even automated machines respect me...

My maid woke me up this morning vacuuming and now I'm in traffic heading to my beach house. Why do bad things always happen to good people?

Amazing how every year my birthday falls on the same date.

A smoke detector is especially useless when you're searching for a lost cigarette on the beach.

I think I might be addicted to oxygen.

I hate when I have zero situational awareness & say "I love you" to Boss as he walks out the door.

sometimes i move my things & then 5 minutes later i'm like WHERE ARE MY THINGS & that's pretty much what it's like to be me

I changed my Facebook relationship status to 'married' just so people will ask me questions. I'm so lonely.

I hope everyone is wearing their chicken nugget awareness ribbon today