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Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #misplan
Qualities I look for in a job:
1. Washroom proximity
2. Male to Female percentage
3. Internet rules
4. Desk size (for napping)
My friend, who's watching a game at my house to get away from his wife and kids, is telling me I should get married.
Sorry about that. I was driving through the deep south. Had to choose between driving and tweeting and driving and eating biscuits.
My son seems to need to download a lot of pornography for his homework. Maths sure has changed since I was in school.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I'm supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I'd win all of my rap battles if they involved less rapping and more sitting on the floor, eating pizza.
Ladies, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.
When my husband is away. I dress his pillow up with my underwear.
Because I really miss him.
When I hear commercials say "win a trip for you and six friends" I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I'm always surprised when I have trouble getting a lift home at the end of a party I wasn't invited to.
I always check my back seat for serial killers before I get it but never make sure my sunroof is closed when I get out in case it rains.
I think I'm allergic to weed, whenever have it I can't stop coughing & my eyes go really red. It also make me talk like.