Mad Bashes

Rascal Flatts is a cute name for a raccoon who just got run over by a truck.

#mad  

Your children should always be your inspiration, even if it is just to drink more.

#mad  

I am always ten steps ahead of you, because you are embarrassing to be around in public.

#mad  

Describe my ex in a movie title is easy "Deadman Walking"

#mad  

The best way to respond when a girl asks you if she’s fat, is to shoot her.

#mad  

Please don't ask me out if you're unattractive, it's damaging to my self esteem.

#mad  

If you are an adult male over the age of 30 with an earring or earrings just know you are in my prayers.

#mad  

I drive recklessly because you're always just one horrific car accident away from ending all this bullshit. I dont want to miss that chance.

#mad  

I'm 5 pushups away from breaking a steel chair over my step-father's head.

#mad  

Standing in an elevator, making explosion noises when someone presses a button.

#mad  

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.

#mad  

I love you so much, I'll forget about you as soon as I don't hear from you for 24 hours.

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Within 100 years after you die, literally no one will ever know you existed. Your life will have meant nothing, to anyone. And you’re fat.

#mad  

Whenever I get caught throwing lit matches at someone's feet I just say, "Sorry, I thought you were a gypsy."

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F is for friends who don’t talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

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My son just said he's going to write his name on our cat with a raisin. Guess I won't have to waste money on college.

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If you have to ask him if you look fat in what you're wearing, you probably do.

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I'm the Neighbor the news interviews who says the family that was murdered deserved it bc they wore holiday turtlenecks.

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I don't cry enough to own cats.

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They say you are what you eat so you should probably eat a skinny person.

#mad