Idocy Bashes

I'll block you if I find out you're a police officer.

Even on Twitter I'm uncomfortable being followed by a cop.

I call women over the age of 25 with tongue rings "sad lickers."

Sorry I always Forrest Gump your name, girls named Jenny.

You guys have it so easy. I bet you have never once had to consider your nipples when choosing a shirt to wear.

Rice cakes are the saddest cakes.

If I hold the door open for you it's obviously because I am a door opening robot and you should definitely not say thank you.

Christmas might be over but if I think I smell mistletoe on you I'm still going to fiddle with your gear.

Swallowed a spoonful of Captain Crunch without chewing, and now I'm on suicide watch.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

I want to host a Youtube Big Brother. I would fill the house with 1000 cats at 4am

“Oh great frankincense. It’s not like we could’ve used a blanket or food.” - Joseph of Nazareth

When I was ten my doctor said I might be schizophrenic. It was a sad day for all of us.

If you've never gotten drunk and jumped off a house roof with an open umbrella and tried to fly away. Don't even introduce yourself to me.

I woke up in my wife's bed this morning, for a moment I didn't know where I was.

What if the technology existed to record more than just six seconds of video can you imagine the possibilities? None probably.

"I wonder when Phantom Menace 3D tickets go on sale?" - terrible person. Perhaps the worst in the world.

Just when you think you're unique, your doppelgänger shows up... At least they're good for planning the perfect murder ☺

Just got a pedicure... My toes should look especially nice with my feet up in the air today.

When you start a project the day it's due and can't ask any questions about it because then they'll know you just started it. That.

I've never won the lotto, but I once bought weed that didn't have a Rastafarian's pubic hair in it. GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!