Idocy Bashes

They should give adults lollipops when they go to the bank, not only kids. I don't wanna be here dealing w/ this shit either. I want candy.

I'm bored. Who wants to load strollers with bags of watermelon guts and push them into traffic?

Cats are pretty good at taking their own pictures, then writing funny quotes on them and finally posting them to internet.

I'm no scientist/psychologist but if spiders were called websters they would seem a lot cuter so I guess I am both of those things.

I get why sharks don't kiss.

The only time I get jealous is when I see photos of people that smoke indoors.

I'm not one to tell you what to do or anything, but marrying a rich man without a pre-nup is the best way to start off a divorce.

"Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?" -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Sometimes there doesn't need to be a trilogy. I'm glad we stopped at World War II.

Just had a long talk with my kids about bullying because I accidentally spent their lunch money for the week on lotto tickets.

My lotion says it has hydration technology. Unless it tells me where the nearest bar is & gets me to not feel hung over the next day... STFU

Last week someone said something about me being self absorbed, and I haven't been able to think about anything else since.

I feel bad because I went to a Korean bathhouse once, but that was long before I found out how bad ethnic cleansing is.

It's really hard to find a martini glass that fits in my car's cup holder.

Still haven't seen a commercial for a microwave.

If everyone jumped off a bridge I'd be all "Why wasn't I invited, Mom?"

You had me at "stop calling me, it was a one night stand."

Let's see if this fits in your suggestion box.

Sure, I'm good with constructive criticism as long as I'm the one giving it.

My dealer gave me inspirational weed.
Please stand by.