Funny Bashes

Roses are red, I have a phone. Nobody calls me, forever alone.

I'm lazier than you are, but I won't get off the couch to prove it.

Someone told me I gave her great advice on men and I should write a column. I laughed so hard I actually miscarried my boss' child.

I didn't get a pony again this Christmas, but I did get an invitation to go to Tijuana for something that includes a pony and a dog.

I know its semantics but a police officer who was born with a withered arm shouldn't be allowed to use the idiom "the long arm of the law".

If alcohol or drugs isn’t the answer then I really don’t want to hear the question.

In a rare public announcement, God tells athletes to stop asking Him for help, "Unless you play badminton. All I care about is badminton!"

Those of you who cheat and make jokes about others who were caught cheating better keep a weather eye out for falling pianos.

The proof is in the alcohol.

I'm a Buddhist, you guys. That's why I'm throwing up this rainbow.

So my Mom picked out the sailor outfit for me today. Typical.

Nothing says: “I don’t care, I’m getting shitfaced tonight” like buying that one gallon bottle of wine.

Ke$ha had "suck it" tattooed on the inside of her lip, which is normal behavior for a chick whose pretend name has a dollar sign in it.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

I've learned men don't want a kind, smart, funny, beautiful woman who's monogamous & looks devastating in a thong. Still, I refuse to change

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." ?

Well, a cross-dressing customer just asked me to have a threesome with him and his wife.
How was your day at work?

I've learned if my kids are quiet they've either flushed something down the toilet, painted the dog or possibly committed murder. I dont ask

I'm glad the kids finally stopped crying over their awful gifts so I can enjoy my new iPad to the fullest.